E.145 | LxW | Stop Comparing | FINAL
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Introduction: Redefining Your Sex Life
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ā€‹[00:00:00]
Willow: Is your sex life good enough? Let's redefine what that really means. If you find yourself comparing your relationship to other couples, be it in real life or online or in the movies, then we've got a new perspective for you.
Leah: Yeah, and let's face it, we are all guilty of that. So let's take this all apart and put it back together. Tune in, turn on, and fall in love with myself and the beautiful Dr. Willow.
Announcer: Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is shame-free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show.
Leah: You ready? Dig in.
The Comparison Trap: Social Media and Self-Worth
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Willow: All
Leah: Alright. So,
Willow: this all the time. They compare themselves to others, compare their relationships to other people's relationships, their children, to other people's
Leah: oh my God.
Willow: their
Leah: jobs, their career.
Willow: of money they make. I
Leah: I.
Willow: we're really [00:01:00] swimming in a comparing mind kind of world.
Leah: Yes, we are. You know, I'll just straight out of the gate say, I believe, uh, one of the keys to get out of comparing is to switch, to collaborate. How can we begin to take a look at someone's relationship? Someone's, I mean, all the things that we judge, right? That we compare and, and give ourselves a different perspective.
Leah: I think starting with, well, that's interesting. You know, get that curious mindset on and go, well, that's interesting that I am devaluing me and statusising them.
Willow: Mm-hmm.
Leah: Huh? It's not like people are gonna splatter all their problems on their social media
Willow: right.
Leah: Account's.
Willow: I think that's one of the things that's really driving, comparing minds so deeply these days and why it's causing so much anxiety in the world is because, you know, we're constantly looking at the bright side of [00:02:00] people's lives,
Willow: Not the shadow side.
Willow: People are, or if
Willow: or if they're posting
Willow: shadow side, they're posting it to get more
Willow: likes
Willow: because
Willow: because they're being vulnerable, you know.
Willow: And
Willow: God bless all the different reader.
Willow: posting, it's
Willow: beautiful. Whatever, share your life, you
Leah: Yeah.
Willow: have a good time, enjoy it.
Leah: Yes.
Willow: But, but
Willow: be aware that, you know,
Willow: couple that you might be glorifying as
Willow: is having it all
Willow: has just is
Willow: going through just as much, you know,
Willow: internal stuff
Willow: as
Willow: everyone else.
Leah: Yeah.
Transform Jealousy into Inspiration: Competition to Collaboration
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Leah: You know, just, you know, remembering, I, I, I wanna correct something I said that the anecdote to comparing is collaboration. That's actually not true. It's competition. The anecdote to competition,
Willow: It's collaboration.
Leah: which makes a lot more sense though it's all kind of in the same wheelhouse by and large, you know. If we are competing, if we are using our, for instance, you know, Instagram account to try to measure up to people we are, status ourselves against, we're in [00:03:00] competition of them.
Willow: Right.
Leah: we all are like curating our social media lives.
Leah: And what would it be like, how much more connection? Could we actually establish if we weren't so curated, if we could talk vulnerably, especially on our social media channels. And, you know, there are people who are doing that, I think. Um, but it's a sticky, it's a sticky piece, and the statistics are really heartbreaking when we're looking at, um, teenage girls who are on social media.
Leah: They're the ones who are the most deeply affected by the social media game.
Willow: I.
Leah: Yeah.
Willow: Yeah, I
Willow: I mean, and
Willow: know, uh, this, this also
Willow: this
Willow: drives a
Willow: a lot of
Willow: around the way
Willow: way that I look my body. Yeah,
Willow: the, clothes that I wear, just all of it, the
Willow: the whole
Willow: of it all. And it, it can, it can really, um, do a number on somebody's. Self-worth, their sense of self-worth.
Willow: and.
Willow: [00:04:00] I think anytime we are comparing ourselves, I have a long, deep relationship with comparing for sure.
Willow: So I know it well and I,
Willow: what
Willow: what I have learned over
Willow: years is that
Willow: time, I,
Willow: in envy or
Willow: in,
Willow: jealousy. Generally, I tend toward envy over jealousy, which we can define in a moment, but
Willow: I always know
Willow: if I'm feeling
Willow: that.
Willow: I can identify those feelings as like, that's a golden arrow pointing to the thing that I really want. So instead of wasting my time in
Willow: Turmoil and
Willow: and wha I
Willow: I don't have it.
Willow: I could spend that same amount of energy and start moving toward creating that thing in my own life.
Leah: Yeah. When I think about.
Overcome Body Image Shame and Embrace Sexual Confidence
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Leah: W where I have spent time comparing myself to others. It's oftentimes money, body beauty. You know how beautiful they are, how they're aging well. [00:05:00] Um, uh, physique, oh, I wish I had that stomach. Oh, I wish my thighs and my butt looked better than they do. Um. It's also like finances, wishing that I had the kind of success, um, or wealth that other people, you know, have maybe in our niche.
Leah: Um, being, you know, wishing I had the energy to write a fucking book. Um, all those things that I, you know, we kind of create this standard of this is what success looks like.
Willow: right.
Leah: This is like, this is what I should be achieving with my health. This is how I should be aging. And I think it's natural for
Willow: there's a lot of
Willow: "should's"
Willow: going on there, you
Willow: Yeah.
Willow: shitting all over
Willow: All ourselves.
Willow: um, not
Willow: Not actually.
Willow: present with what, what's the true, authentic desire? These shoulds are coming from outside of ourselves. It causes shoulder pain. Notice that word should and shoulder are spelled the same.
Leah: Oh, [00:06:00] interesting. That's a, that's an interesting, uh, bridge. I also think it's natural for us to wanna look up to people. So I think when we're taking a look at comparisons, what are the judgments arising in our mind? Are we mean-spirited towards the people we are comparing ourselves to? Are we putting them down?
Willow: Or are we mean spirited to ourselves?
Leah: Yes.
Willow: it in on ourselves? Yeah.
Leah: Yeah, both. And and how do you do a pattern shift?
Willow: Mm-hmm.
Leah: A trigger shift, and, and really think both looking at that person with admiration, I instead of this judgy attitude
Willow: Mm-hmm.
Leah: Then looking and doing some fact finding, when we review our own life experience, instead of concentrating on our failures, which were so wired to look at first start to go well, where are my successes?
Leah: Where are my achievements? Where do I win? Where am I consistent?
Willow: And also [00:07:00] redefining what success is. You know, I think real true success is, is being okay with
Willow: Whatever is
Willow: You know, it's like we want, and we always want
Willow: want, we always
Willow: the good, you know, we
Willow: wanna highlight
Willow: and we want
Willow: before I'm that good
Willow: if the good isn't coming to us, then, then it must be bad.
Willow: and that,
Willow: make us feel like failure. Like we're not doing well, like we're not doing it right. And, um, you know, in the practice
Willow: practice of
Willow: it's welcoming all of it.
Leah: mm-hmm.
Willow: acceptance of all of it. And if that's the same, um, premise of existential kink, you know,
Leah: Mm,
Willow: to kink-ify the,
Willow: that
Willow: shadow
Willow: elements
Willow: that
Willow: you're,
Willow: are,
Willow: um,
Willow: um,
Willow: not good, you know, frustration
Willow: irritability, the anger,
Willow: the resentment
Willow: that's built up in your relationship there must be some subconscious, unconscious reason
Willow: you
Willow: have been a part of creating
Willow: in your
Willow: life.
Willow: So
Willow: if you can actually
Willow: Find
Willow: pleasure,
Willow: If You [00:08:00] can
Willow: find that they're
Willow: and part of
Willow: that
Willow: finding pleasure in it requires you
Willow: not
Willow: life so seriously.
Willow: to. Yes. About getting a lot more playful,
Willow: getting a
Willow: a lot more
Willow: lighthearted about, oh my
Willow: oh my God, I created that curfuckle
Willow: in my
Willow: my relationship again. We've been through this argument a million times in the 10 years we've been together and here we are again. How hilarious that
Willow: that I keep doing this. I was,
Willow: what,
Willow: where is my get off in this? Where, why am I in
Willow: part of
Willow: of me is enjoying it? yeah.
Willow: And then, and
Willow: And then, and then that takes
Willow: the
Willow: us Soma, you know, that takes us to mind like where,
Willow: part of
Willow: of my body is really
Willow: this as pleasure and
Willow: You
Willow: might not be experienced
Willow: as the
Willow: the.
Willow: of pleasure that you're familiar with, but if
Willow: if you
Willow: dig into the sensation and be like,
Willow: well, if
Willow: in the pit of my stomach.
Willow: It's tight, it's
Willow: they knotted
Willow: it feels, you know, makes me wanna vomit. I have that nausea [00:09:00] feeling, then you can
Willow: actually
Willow: start to
Willow: to go
Willow: that
Willow: sensation
Willow: and, and discover
Willow: things
Willow: about
Willow: that sensation
Willow: that
Willow: show you
Willow: so that's, you know, bringing the darkness to the light.
Leah: Yeah, I, I, uh, I like that. I think finding the funny without being too self-deprecating is a really fun way to, to flip your judgments around. Um, you know, my probably biggest comparison wound has to do with body image. Um, having spent most of my adult life overweight. Um, it was like I was always wrestling with my desirability and feeling like I had to really dig in very, very deep to find that light, um, that radiance from the inside to make the outside worthy of someone's sexual [00:10:00] attraction.
Leah: Um, or just in, in addition to wanting to feel good in my skin with clothes in addition to like wanting to go shopping, like there was a big wound that just wanted to wear a bikini and feel good in it.
Willow: Mm-hmm.
Leah: You know, and it just, it was, it just felt like a 20 years of trying to tackle that one. Um, and now that I feel like I have conquered the body, now the new layer is aging and going, God, now my face looks old, you know?
Leah: Um, and oh, by the way, if you're watching this, you don't think I look that old. There's, there's glowy filters going on, people. Um, so, you know, it's interesting.
Willow: very radiant.
Leah: It's,
Willow: we're on Riverside
Leah: I'm like, how do I,
Willow: get those filters going on my side.
Leah: I actually think it's not Riverside. It's, it's your computer.
Willow: Oh,
Leah: Yes. Your camera settings. Yes, ma am.
Willow: dialed in.
Leah: Uh, and so if we were, if I was thinking about this through existential kink, taking a look at [00:11:00] like Yeah, who wants to fucking an old lady?
Leah: Yeah. What a hag you look like. You must really like getting old. 'cause guess what? You're old, you know, it's like finding a way to like
Willow: Mm-hmm.
Leah: to, to look at and get and make it ridiculous.
Willow: Yeah.
Leah: that's a concern. And like then with the body weight issue, I can't tell you how many times I was in the presence of a more full figured woman
Leah: & just thought her body was gorgeous.
Willow: Right?
Leah: watching her in, um, sexual situations or in sessions and her body's contorting into all these positions, positions I felt so uncomfortable in because I was imagining what I looked like and looking at them and go, I'd fuck her.
Willow: mm
Leah: it's like they're really, really hot, beautiful bodacious, like amazing curves and so womanly and, and I've had thoughts in the recent past of going
Leah: I kind of wish I looked like that. You know, like I [00:12:00] have had moments of going and even seen old pictures of myself,
Willow: Mm-hmm.
Leah: um, and going
Willow: overweight.
Leah: yes, and going and, and I have memories of me and Matt first dating and I was at one of the heaviest points in my life, and he had this big mirror that covered his closet. You know, those closets that have mirrors?
Leah: Um, and so I got to watch us have sex, and I looked beautiful, like I couldn't believe how hot I looked having sex with him. I wa I really was amazing. I really was amazing. I think fondly on those mirror days, those mirrors were so convenient for where the bed position is.
Willow: mirror in the bedroom.
Leah: I know I have a giant mirror in my bedroom and there's no good position for it in how that bedroom is designed.
Leah: So I.
Willow: You'd have to put it in front of the
Leah: I know, uh,
Willow: Yeah.
Leah: maybe one on the ceiling. I, I wouldn't be opposed to that,
Willow: Yeah,
Leah: it'd be cheesy. When people come and walk into our bedroom, I'm giving them a, of the house. [00:13:00] There's a big giant mirror on the ceiling there. I can imagine the eye rolls.
Willow: like each other. Well, then the session work that you do in your bedroom.
Leah: Oh, well, like my, uh, my family, that's, that's the, those are the people that come to mind like, Hey, my father-in-law walks in given the tour of the house. Don't mind the ceiling. And I mean, the mirror on the ceiling with the bed. How awkward
Willow: that's
Leah: I would do it though.
Willow: You would
Leah: Mm-hmm.
Willow: do it. I would do it too. Why not? Who cares? It's your bedroom. You do what you want in there, you know? And this is, um, this whole piece around, uh, you know, the body comparison
Leah: Yeah,
Willow: It's like you, maybe you had, you know. Overweight, quote unquote, like,
Willow: Like, what
Willow: wanna call overweight?
Willow: You know, it's
Leah: Right. That's so subjective.
Willow: there's medical levels of that, and then there's just like subjective levels of that. but
Willow: But I've always
Willow: you know, grown up in a pretty, you know,
Willow: Barbie shaped
Willow: kind of perfect
Willow: of, yeah.
Willow: still had the same
Willow: kind of
Willow: you
Willow: you comparing[00:14:00]
Willow: self
Willow: Deprivation,
Willow: self hatred
Willow: around
Willow: my
Willow: Body and
Willow: and not good
Willow: good enough.
Willow: especially
Leah: How old were you when that was the most heightened?
Willow: Well,
Willow: Well, I was
Willow: growing up
Willow: up in
Willow: southern California before
Willow: more social media, thank God.
Willow: I don't think I
Willow: Right. I would've made
Willow: it through the
Willow: the social media right
Willow: landmine if
Willow: if I, I
Willow: 'cause I was already so
Willow: so
Willow: at that point, you
Leah: How old were you?
Willow: you know, teens
Leah: Okay.
Willow: 13, 14, 15. And um, and so yeah, I've developed eating disorders, which we've
Willow: Talked about.
Willow: on other podcasts and shows before.
Willow: But you
Willow: Know, I think
Willow: can be really. Hard when
Willow: when you're in a relationship
Willow: it's like
Willow: there's, it's one thing to,
Willow: yourself. Like my body, I'm
Willow: I'm not making them,
Willow: I
Willow: I want
Willow: know,
Willow: whatever those
Willow: that are more personal,
Leah: Mm-hmm.
Willow: it's
Willow: Definitely
Willow: a whole nother layer when you're comparing you and
Willow: another person's
Willow: interaction and
Willow: and
Willow: and
Willow: life to other.
Willow: relationships.
Understanding Relationship Phases: Why Sexual Frequency Fluctuates
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[00:15:00]
Leah: I can guarantee you that probably the number one comparison between couples is how much sex we're having compared to how much sex they're having. And oftentimes in marriages and long-term relationships, it's like we measure how well are we doing by, are we having enough sex?
Willow: Yeah.
Leah: that has certainly plagued me most of my adult life, and it's been accentuated by being a sex educator
Willow: Right.
Leah: like, you know, I we're supposed to have this idealistic best sex ever all the time, consistently. And that's not reality either. These beautiful couples you see on Instagram, you don't know what their sex life is.
Leah: They may be looking sexy, but that doesn't mean they're having the world's greatest sex or are having a lot of frequent sex. Some of them are. Some people, either their compatibility is just wired that way or they have a higher sex drive. You know, God bless, gimme some of that. Um, [00:16:00] and, and other people have really wonderful relationships, but they may only have sex once a month
Willow: Mm-hmm.
Leah: even less than that.
Leah: And we go through these phases. We had an episode all about sexual phases. Which I think is a really great, um, tool and insight to take a look at calming yourself down when you're in judgements to especially when it comes to sex and you're comparing your sex life to other people. Look at what stage your partner's in
Leah: look at what stage you are in. We'll have a link in the show notes if you wanna review that, because that solved some of my comparison issues, was learning about the five different sexual stages.
Willow: I think that's such a good point, and something that rings
Willow: true in all sectors of life. It's like,
Willow: you
Willow: you know, we got the
Willow: seasons in life, we go through
Willow: different stages
Willow: if we
Willow: are in a
Willow: deep
Willow: unraveling season
Willow: a
Willow: fall season of our life where things kind of
Willow: of
Willow: just all
Willow: falling
Willow: apart, all [00:17:00] around us
Willow: it's best to just be
Willow: in honoring of the fact that that that is part of
Willow: Upleveling, you know,
Willow: That's part of finding.
Willow: Path forward
Willow: Mm-hmm.
Willow: is the
Willow: the unbecoming
Willow: what, what you know yourself to be. That's one of the things for some reason, I woke up this morning and just started listening to existential kink at like six 30 in the morning and listened until we
Willow: started recording
Willow: So I've been in
Willow: that
Willow: mind frame all day and it's um, you know, she really highlights like wake up every day and tell yourself like, I am not who I think I am.
Willow: Ah,
Willow: Because
Leah: yes.
Willow: deep,
Willow: Subconscious
Willow: unconscious parts of ourselves that
Willow: we, that are driving our,
Willow: all day long. And then we've got
Willow: that our ego at the forefront.
Willow: like, this is who I am and this is how I do things, and this is what keeps me feeling
Willow: That's mm-hmm. Basically,
Willow: Um,
Leah: great advice.
Willow: yeah. So
Willow: So I
Willow: just, you know.
Willow: think understand
Willow: [00:18:00] um, when you
Willow: our
Willow: projecting
Willow: that somebody else has some.
Willow: that you want and you can't have it, um, take a closer
Willow: a look at what's underneath that.
Leah: Mm-hmm. Uh, and I think you've kind of touched on this earlier, but how can you transform the judgment or the competition, um, or the comparison to inspiration?
Leah: Yeah.
Leah: You know, um, that's one of the things you were talking about with the Golden Arrow is, you know, this points to something that I desire, and now let me be inspired by that.
Leah: What are things that I can do to magnetize myself to receiving these bigger desires that I have?
Willow: Absolutely. One of the things that I think is so magnetic, which is the total opposite of what we're conditionally and knee jerk reaction really
Willow: doing,
Willow: is to[00:19:00]
Willow: find a couple that you're like,
Willow: they have.
Willow: they have it at all.
Willow: you
Willow: You know, they've got the sex life the kids
Willow: the money, the they've
Willow: got and they're doing right. Right.
Willow: who
Willow: Cares if they are or not, but fucking,
Willow: happy for them.
Willow: yeah, just
Willow: enjoy,
Willow: and
Willow: bliss.
Leah: celebration. Mm-hmm.
Willow: Celebration that they have that, because that means
Willow: that
Willow: exists.
Willow: in the
Willow: World
Willow: And if there's a
Willow: desire.
Willow: you to to
Willow: Want something to
Willow: have
Willow: something.
Willow: If
Willow: have that
Willow: that crier,
Willow: desire, it
Willow: it means it's either of you, it
Willow: it as well. So it's really just about removing the blocks, the
Willow: the
Willow: the limiting beliefs and
Willow: unconscious patterns
Willow: that are in the way of you having it.
Leah: Yeah.
Manifesting Desires: The Art of Sex Magic
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Leah: And there are ways to practice that. Um, in Tantra, it's called Sex Magic, where there's a whole process of using your sexual energy to manifest and magnetize these realities becoming yours. We'll do an episode and we've got [00:20:00] some workshops in the mix right now where we're gonna be specializing and doing deep dives, um, regarding the art of sex magic.
Leah: So stay tuned for that. Um. And this is a lot, this concept is something that I've put into use in my life to great benefit, which I gleamed from the work of Byron Katie, where that is becoming a lover of reality.
Willow: Yeah.
Leah: and letting go of the attachments, like really unplugging from these, but I want this and I need this, or I'm entitled to this, or I'm not
Leah: good enough for this and this will never happen, and I hope it happens, you know, and, and on and on and on, right? Which just keeps us stuck in a loop of suffering and feeling bad. Um, and so there's this whole premise, this idea of going, I wanna be a lover of reality no matter what my reality is. How do I get there?
Willow: Mm.
Leah: And sh she's got a method. I encourage you to look up Byron Katie on YouTube of [00:21:00] questioning your stressful thoughts.
Willow: Mm-hmm.
Leah: And it's really, really beautiful of, you know, really getting to a place of true peace
Willow: Mm-hmm.
Leah: where you take something, um, that you've been comparing yourself work with and you really work it.
Willow: Mm-hmm.
Leah: simple. It's pretty easy to do. Um, and it's powerful. Yeah.
Willow: Four questions. It's
Leah: Like,
Willow: that, is
Leah: is it true?
Willow: Is it really true?
Leah: That's the second question.
Willow: it
Leah: True. Is it really true? Mm-hmm.
Willow: are
Leah: The first two questions. Mm-hmm.
Willow: like to, but you gotta dig deep.
Willow: Like,
Willow: And
Willow: and then
Willow: do
Willow: how do,
Willow: I think the third
Willow: the third one is how do I feel?
Willow: I
Willow: How do I feel when I believe that? Yeah.
Willow: And then the forth
Willow: one
Willow: is, can I swap it? Can
Leah: Yeah.
Willow: it?
Leah: There's, uh, the question I often use that's close to that is, um, how do I treat myself and how do I treat others when I believe that thought?
Willow: Mm-hmm.
Leah: And it's that question.
Willow: Yeah.
Leah: it will [00:22:00] really reveal a lot to you.
Willow: Mm-hmm.
Leah: I treat myself? You know, what are the thoughts that I think, how do I put myself down?
Willow: Mm-hmm.
Leah: where the hopelessness and then how do I judge that person? What do I say that is unkind or, um, so on and so forth. And then you take each of those
Willow: Yeah.
Leah: you rework those.
Leah: And then eventually the last stage is, now turn it around. So gi, give me a stressful thought and I'll give you an example of turnarounds.
Willow: Yeah. Let's turn around. Um, know, oh,
Willow: Oh, that couple has
Willow: the money, they get to travel all the
Willow: all the time. They've got
Willow: and they
Willow: they
Willow: teach sexual healing around the world together. That would
Willow: That would be like a big envy, yeah,
Willow: point for me.
Leah: so the, and there's a lot of concepts in that, so I'm just gonna keep it simple and go, that couple gets to travel around and then the turnaround would be that couple doesn't travel around. How is that true?[00:23:00]
Leah: So you may have a judgment of how much they travel around. Other people may have a judgment that's very different from that. Another turnaround is they travel at all. Yes.
Willow: 10 times
Willow: More than that.
Willow: So it's a perspective
Leah: Yeah. Like I travel around. That's another turnaround. Um. And there's more. We're probably doing a terrible job at explaining this.
Willow: think we could do better. Let's
Leah: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll cut that part out. We'll just say, go check out Byron katie.org and learn all about what she calls the work. You can print out a worksheet and uh, just follow the instructions and have a breakthrough.
Essential Authors Who Teach Non-Attachment and Acceptance
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Willow: Yeah, I think, um, her work and, um, gosh, the guy I love, Michael Singer, um, anyone who's
Leah: yeah. I love Michael Singer.
Willow: wrote the Surrender Experiment and then
Leah: Didn't he, um, also write Untethered soul? Um, yes. That's what I love. One of my favorites. Yeah.
Willow: And then, um, also, uh, [00:24:00] Muji, Muji Baba,
Leah: All right.
Willow: meditation teacher. All of
Willow: of these
Willow: are, they're really teaching non-duality.
Willow: So it's, it's really, it's acceptance is
Willow: at the
Willow: of it.
Willow: Yes.
Willow: are
Willow: Can you.
Willow: be okay? I mean, I
Willow: I love the way Michael Singer.
Willow: it 'cause he just says it so simply and purely like. Can you be okay? You didn't
Leah: Yes.
Willow: thing you
Willow: The thing you want, you got the opposite of what you wanted.
Willow: you find a place inside of you that's okay.
Leah: Yes. I love that.
Gratitude Practices That Flip Your Mindset from Lack to Abundance
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Leah: And that kind of comes back to be a lover of reality. This is your beautiful life,
Willow: Mm-hmm.
Leah: know, and this is where tools like gratitude journals can really flip the switch. Um, you know, going through a process of just making a list of what you're grateful for, that makes your life beautiful and worth living.
Willow: Yeah. And making a list of the things you're afraid of or the things that give you anxiety so that you can actually, um, f you know, be in a closer relationship with them. Usually, if there's something in our lives that's causing us pain, causing [00:25:00] us fear, causing us anxiety, we wanna get away from it, we resist it, we create this more tension with it, which
Willow: helps it grow inside of the unconscious mind and it helps it appear
Willow: more in
Willow: life.
Authentic Pleasure Beats Perfect Performance Every Time
---
Leah: Now, kind of coming back to sex, you know, what if the most mind blowing sex really had nothing to do with being perfect or having the perfect body or performing like a porn star or looking beautiful in front of the mirror?
Leah: What is it that actually matters when it comes to having mind blowing sex?
Willow: Yeah. What, what is like perfect, you know, sex. Anyway, we wanna actually, highlight
Willow: that.
Willow: feeling. Your
Willow: arousal.
Willow: authentically, really
Willow: Your blood
Willow: and learning. That's why we teach these ancient
Willow: art
Willow: of
Willow: of sexual,
Willow: healing and
Willow: sexual pleasure
Willow: because it's a way of moving
Willow: arousal
Willow: through your
Willow: body. That
Willow: no matter what
Willow: body you're in.
Willow: [00:26:00] it looks hot
Willow: Well, I'll, it
Willow: feels
Leah: good. I'll tell you something for sure. All self-consciousness goes out the door at peak levels of arousal and orgasm. You know, you are in the world of that climax and your body's doing what your body's made to do. It is having a good old time. And so really your mindfulness, the depth of your connection, the depth of your presence, the willingness to be vulnerable, the willingness to trust, the willingness to be real, the willingness to feel the pleasure, that is the biggest gift your body has for you.
Leah: And not denying yourself of that, but allowing yourself to savor it can really get you out of body image issues and can get you out of the performance comparison we haven't tackled that one.
Willow: That's such a big one. I mean that's, you know, porn is not doing us any favors on, on that note, um, porn is great entertainment, but that's not what real, like deep, intimate [00:27:00] sex is, is all about.
Leah: No. And those penis sizes are very unrealistic. Okay. Like, stop wanting that so bad, or thinking you're supposed to have that. Um, it's, it's such a disservice to how men feel about their bodies. Is this obsession with cock size?
Gender Differences in Sexual Performance Pressure
---
Leah: So here's a little
Willow: for
Willow: for you right now, Leah, and our, listeners,
Willow: and I'd love to hear it in the comments, which, um, this is totally a subjective question,
Willow: question,
Willow: there's no right answer, but which gender, male
Willow: male or female
Willow: think has
Willow: more?
Willow: uh,
Willow: Um,
Willow: performance anxiety
Leah: Oh, wow. I bet it's pretty equal.
Willow: I was
Willow: I was gonna say that
Willow: too,
Willow: say, but I mean,
Willow: I
Willow: I wonder if
Willow: you know, there are
Willow: there are some people
Willow: think men have
Willow: have it more or women have it more.
Leah: Yeah. Curious what the comments have to say about this.
Leah: That's very interesting. Um, I feel like in my. Anecdotal experience of working with bodies and being in [00:28:00] classrooms, and then my own life experience of being in this body,
Leah: Mm-hmm.
Leah: it feels like pretty equal. I see a lot of people come in getting support in our kind of work, and what it comes down to is they're tackling confidence.
Willow: Yeah,
Leah: They want to feel skillful, they wanna feel competent. They wanna know that they can rely on their body expressing itself, quote unquote, Right or better.
Willow: Right. Mm-hmm.
Leah: They want to be able to help and, and be adequate for a lover so they reach the places their lover would most desire when it comes to, you know, their partner's arousal and overall satisfaction.
Willow: Mm-hmm.
Leah: And we're not born knowing this shit. And it is a skill and nobody teaches us. So it's a good question. It's a good thing, I think, to be seeking out, but to use it to tear yourself down doesn't help anybody,
Willow: no.
Leah: And it doesn't move you forward.
Willow: That brings [00:29:00] us back to curiosity. You know, that's one of the, probably one of the big antidotes to the comparing mind is just to get curious. What does it, why are
Willow: Are you having
Willow: um, comparing mind and what is it about you that believes you can or cannot have that? And yeah. When it comes to sexuality, we haven't been educated well
Leah: Yeah.
Willow: getting a such sexual education with Tantra, with Taoist, work with other, um,
Leah: Therapy. Go to therapy
Willow: out
Leah: out there? Yeah.
Willow: There's so much available these days to really learn and then implement. And the good
Willow: news new about practicing,
Willow: and doing
Willow: doing your homework,
Willow: is it's really fun.
Leah: Yeah. Tackling this debilitating, Painful, wounded habit of comparing yourself to others is really worth your time and effort, and it will make you more attractive.
Willow: Mm-hmm.
Leah: Um, it, [00:30:00] there's, it's not fun to hang out with a person who's complaining all the time and who's always putting their life down or their kids down, or their partner down.
Willow: Mm-hmm.
Leah: When you don't think your husband or wife or spouse is good enough and you talk about it all the time, you know you're creating that. You are putting that into the world. And so one of the ways that you can help have a different experience of your kids and have a different experience of your spouse is to keep your attention on their greatness.
Leah: Put your attention on their gifts, put your attention on their goodness. Put your attention on their divinity. Put your attention on their heart and, and the beauty that is inside them. Look for that beautiful soul inside their eyes, and then help bring that out by relating to that instead of always relating to the ways that they disappoint you.
Leah: Because where you put your attention kind of creates a reality. So if you're putting your attention on the negative, you're gonna have more negative. [00:31:00] Put that attention on the beauty and the positive, you'll get more of that.
Willow: Mm-hmm. Yep. Absolutely.
Create Your Own Rules: Breaking Free from Fantasy Expectations
---
Willow: Yeah, your sex life isn't meant to look like a scripted fantasy. It's meant to feel real. And the moment you stop comparing and start embracing what's truly pleasurable for you, everything shifts. You start focusing on what feels good instead of what looks good, and you watch your entire experience transform.
Leah: Well preach sister. Ain't that the truth? You know, I think, um, what that really reminds me of is the setup that starts at a very
Willow: Yeah,
Leah: young age. Like the
Willow: Walt Disney setup?
Leah: Yes, the cartoons we watch and the movies we watch that show happily ever after
Willow: Yeah.
Leah: That gives us this very normal vanilla, um, family dynamic that we are expected to aspire to.
Leah: And I think that is actually the first comparison that we roll [00:32:00] around with. And I really encourage folks to make up your own damn rules.
Willow: Yeah.
Leah: Who says that relationships are supposed to look like the movies? And so I think we all know that intellectually,
Willow: Right. I.
Leah: that's different from the conditioned inside unconscious, subconscious responses and triggers.
Willow: Yeah. Yeah. And you know, some of us are, are more fantasizers to begin with. Like we just come in as like, we're dreamers and we're fantasizes, and we want it all to be one beautiful, perfect way.
Willow: And other people are a little bit more orient
Willow: reality
Willow: and facts and the
Willow: and all of
Willow: that, and so,
Willow: Um, it's good
Willow: it's
Willow: those things about
Willow: about yourself too
Willow: that you
Willow: you
Willow: kind of
Willow: can understand. Like if you're somebody
Willow: into the fantasy and the dreaming of it all and gets lost in that and loses what's
Willow: who's
Willow: loses the
Willow: thread what's.
Willow: real, then you can start to [00:33:00] redirect your focus to sensation and what is real and what's happening in the moment. Um, you know, get more in your body less. In your dreamy, you know, rose colored glasses, eyes, and
Leah: Well,
Willow: difference.
Leah: I wonder, and please, parents inform me in the comments. I wonder if parents are still telling their kids you can have it all. There's, you can have it all. I know our generation got that and there are parts of that. Oh, you didn't, I definitely got that messaging and took it to heart, um, and really believed it.
Leah: And so on the one hand, I feel like you put that in the field and it'll be possible for people, but it's not gonna be possible for everybody. So the people where they don't achieve everything,
Willow: Yeah.
Leah: um. They really feel bad about themselves, you know, of evermore. And so it's kind of tricky that line. It's like, well, I can have it all, I can make all the [00:34:00] money and I can be a mom and have the kids and I can be a, a wife and have a big house and take care of it.
Leah: And like all of a sudden we are burdened with so many responsibilities we have to be.
Willow: so much pressure on
Leah: Uh,
Willow: Yes.
Leah: This, this level of success. And so then we, this is another angle where we start comparing other people's lives. And if we're seeing somebody do it, we think they, they make it look easy.
Willow: Right, right. Meanwhile, deep down inside, they're just under a massive pressure cooker.
Leah: Yes.
Willow: just boiling inside.
Leah: Yes. They also cry themselves to sleep at night sometimes.
Willow: Yeah, exactly.
Leah: Yeah.
Willow: It's normal that as a human being, we all go through all the major human emotions. We all go through anger, we all go through sadness, we all go through grief, we all go through loss, and it's just
Leah: Loathing, despair, hopelessness, grief. I mean,
Willow: And
Leah: there are big ones.
Willow: it's important to actually let yourself feel that
Leah: [00:35:00] Yeah.
Willow: of time.
Willow: And really it's appropriate to
Leah: Yes.
Willow: appropriate to feel sad. It's when you start to lose your essence into those emotions
Leah: Yeah. When you over identify yourself to them like loathing.
Willow: Yes, exactly. Then you wanna start to try to find new glasses to look through. My friends, they're not all rosy.
Leah: Yeah. Uh, you know, this came to mind. I often will work with men, older gentlemen who are in their sixties and seventies, and they usually have great marriages. Um, and even are continuing to have sex, but it's like this one last desire, this level of inquiry that they find themselves in. Um, that's looking for, I don't know if it's lost youth.
Leah: I don't know if it's a certain vitality they don't wanna lose touch with.
Willow: Virility they once [00:36:00] had.
Leah: Yeah. It's like, and it all sort of packaged in different ways about the trappings of the story. Um, but it does come back to something very essential, which is not wanting to lose something and comparing themselves and looking back at their younger version of their life and kind of feels like this is my last chance to live this part of my being.
Leah: And because we do sexually age. Penises sexually age. But by the way, you guys clitoris don't
Willow: That's right. That's a
Leah: But vaginas have their own aging issues as, as menopause sets in. So, you know, we do think about our missed chances or missed opportunities from our youth. Uh, many of them, many of us have those. Um. What are your thoughts on that?
Willow: [00:37:00] Well,
Willow: Well, yeah, I think that's
Willow: so important to appreciate what
Willow: what you have when you
Willow: it and all
Willow: of it.
Willow: Like the
Willow: The good, bad,
Willow: in the moment that you're in. You know, because you're not, it's not gonna be there forever. I mean, that's another premise of the existential kink is
Willow: like
Willow: you know. What
Willow: is
Willow: will come to fruition.
Willow: Not always what is conscious will come to fruition, but what is unconscious will definitely come to fruition.
Willow: So if
Willow: can
Willow: you actually start to
Willow: make love to that and
Willow: have pleasure in that
Willow: and play with the things that you're like, fuck,
Willow: this thing happening in my life
Willow: know, I wish it would stop happening. But if you start to be like. Fuck that thing keeps, ha,
Willow: fuck
Willow: me some
Willow: some more with that thing
Willow: happening in
Willow: in my life,
Willow: You
Willow: you know, it's like
Willow: then that
Willow: comes to light
Willow: and
Willow: the
Willow: unconscious piece
Willow: behind it will
Willow: Follow and will come
Willow: to light as well. Um, I think it's [00:38:00] such a powerful practice that we can do, especially when we lose
Willow: our
Willow: core, when we lose
Willow: our
Willow: essence
Willow: by
Willow: projecting
Willow: outside of ourselves,
Willow: that
Willow: nobody else has it better
Willow: that somebody else has figured out the, you know,
Willow: path
Willow: to
Willow: marketing
Willow: whatever
Willow: it is
Willow: that is plaguing you in the moment.
Willow: Yeah. Yeah. So true.
Leah: So the moral of the story, Dr. Willow...
Willow: the
Willow: moral of the story is, anything that you desire, that you are comparing yourself with others, there's a golden arrow there. So take a closer look at what it is that you really want. If you're feeling like, ah, I wish I could have that, and I don't know why I can't, then there's some gold there for you to discover.
Leah: Well, we are curious about your stories of comparison and how you've flipped the script on of feeling envious [00:39:00] and jealous and judgmental, and being hard on yourself when it comes to seeing other people's lives and wishing yours looked just like it.
Willow: That's right. So put it in the comments. So
Willow: Comments, where is the place
Willow: life
Willow: expect you
Willow: to
Willow: to prepare the most?
Willow: and how are
Willow: are you gonna,
Willow: shift that for yourself?
Leah: yeah. And if you have a solution that we missed, we definitely wanna hear from you. That's right.
Willow: Let us know.
Announcer: Thanks for tuning in. This episode was hosted by Tantric Sex Master Coach and positive psychology facilitator, Leah Piper, as well as by Chinese and Functional Medicine doctor and Taoist Taxology teacher, Dr. Willow Brown. Don't forget your comments, like subscribes and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.
