Why You Need a 90 Day Relationship Detox
Willow: All right. So we just had a phenomenal interview with a dear, dear amazing friend of ours and phenomenal coach. She's particularly a coach in the weight loss field.
Leah: Yeah. Uh, she's one of our BFFs and she's just filled with a lot of wisdom of having been in a long-term relationship back on the dating scene in her fifties, and like the rules have changed. And so has she, since she was single in her twenties. And so she gives us a lot of life, um, tips and we get to learn from, uh, her experiences in the "Dick-sand".
So you're gonna have a good time with that and you'll probably be able to relate to it some of you.
Willow: I'm sure a lot of you will. So a little bit more about Whitney Kell. She has been honored over the last 20 years with numerous awards and incentive trips from the publicly traded company she assisted in developing as an independent certified coach.
She has presented and trained thousands of people on stages all across the country. I think over 250,000 people, lots, lots, lots from top health professionals to burnt out executives and homemakers who need a little life makeover. Her top values are personal growth, so true for her healing, adventure and fun.
So she was recently featured in success magazine with her former life partner, which talks a lot about in this interview. She's a speaker too. Um, she's launching her whole new side of her business and is gonna be getting on stages and helping other corporations with her genius.
Leah: So tune-in.
Announcer: Welcome to the sex reimagine podcast, where sex is shame. And pleasure forward. Let's get into the show.
Welcome everyone. We're so excited. Leah and I are really excited because we have our dear sister an amazing, phenomenal coach with us today. And look at these two they get to be in person together. Um, Whitney Kell, oh my God, what a powerhouse of a woman. She has been such a huge inspiration in both of our lives.
Working with Willow and Leah together as our mastermind, we created sparkles and fun and we got things done and every person has a different strength and talent in the group. And we allowed each other to lead and pull back. It's been a miracle.
Whitney Falls in Love
Leah: I'd love to jump in because you have an interesting story regarding love, relationship, dating, um, getting stuck in the "dick-sand", getting "dick-stracted", and you were in a fabulous relationship for 20 some years, really built an empire together.
Um, would love to hear how you fell in love, and what happened as you transitioned from coupledom?
Whitney Kell: Yeah. I'd love to share. Yeah. And I was so excited to be here with you, both and everybody that's out there. And I think everyone has an interesting story naturally.
Um, the way that mine started, he and I started was in an open relationship. We're practicing that in our first few, uh, months of dating.
Leah: First few days, you're polyamorous...
Whitney Kell: ...for a very short period of time... so I at the time was drinking and when, um, my partner and I got together, his request was to have a healthy girlfriend.
He'd been through another relationship where it wasn't as healthy. And that was his request, which my request was for monogamy. So we had to come together and cooperate on that. And what we ended up doing is having a wonderful coach that we, that he was actually working with in this Poly kind of community.
That helped us come together and actually argued against us for wanting monogamy. We had, I guess I'd say flags that we wanted for our relationship, which was fun, sex and adventure. Those were the three foundations we wanted to build our relationship on. And the coach was like, I don't think you can build a relationship on that and monogamy, but we did.
Yeah. And we came together and we consciously created the intention of our relationship. And it went on for years. I mean, we were together for over 18 years. So each year, rather than getting married, which is the traditional way to go. And I had never had an intention to get the government involved in my relationship at that point.
And that went on for years, we created an empire. She mentioned, we built a company, lots of, as anyone in a relationship knows there's lots of valleys and peaks so much fun, but overall we were working on ourselves. We're heavily involved in personal growth and development named the program. I've done it sober now for 22 years.
So we were growing as a couple, um, pretty intensely together. It was, uh, there were magic, magic, magic experiences. And to this day, I still look at him as a great friend and mentor. I'm deeply grateful for all of the work we've done together and we still work together.
Willow: So you guys really like became more whole through your union.and became this really sort of power couple in your, in your arena, which is so inspiring for those who, you know, who are aiming for that or looking for that in their lives.
[00:05:11] Conscious Uncoupling
Willow: And then you went through, um, the release of the relationship and you both did it with so much consciousness. So you practiced conscious uncoupling. and released what, all that you had built up for 18 years. That's a big cycle to unravel. So what was your journey? What was your process with conscious uncoupling?
Whitney Kell: Yeah, so I think that a lot of people have that as a concern. And when we were, I was in therapy, I'd lost my mom getting sober, all of those things. And the therapist said most people, most couples want something to come together on so they have children, we created a company together. So we were able to ride that wave of creation.
And we talked about business all the time. And there was a point where I didn't realize that I'd lost track of the fact that the attention that I was getting was actually business, but I learned how to interpret it as love. And it's not that I don't think that he still cared for me deeply. It's just, there's a point, and I think a lot of parents know this, where you get so caught up in the parenting, that sometimes the relationship doesn't get as much attention. And I would say we just grew apart and there was no one to really blame.
There was just a moment we were in therapy together and the therapist, and we'd hired multiple therapists to try to help us learn how to work better together, because anybody who co-parents understands that sometimes you don't see eye to eye on the parenting and technically building a business with people, a network marketing company, which is what we built
Willow: is the same, similar, yeah.
Whitney Kell: So I think people overthink business versus babies. It's kind of similar.
Leah: So, so what happened after 18 years? You know, because I hear you often describe your relationship as being like a really epic relationship. Just a great experience. Yeah. So how do you go from having so many things that work to deciding to move on?
Whitney Kell: Yeah. Um, and I wanna be conscious of how I communicate this, knowing that this is a public forum and that, you know, there are things that obviously we always wanna keep private to respect the former beloved. And so what I'm going to say is that, um, there were multiple things that happened, including we were in therapy.
We had been in therapy for quite some time wanting to figure out how to work better together, which it turns out being, not in a romantic relationship is how we work better together. But there was a moment where it felt like a big switch, you know, like those old school light switches where you flip down the switch? Feels like it just turned off.
I was madly in love with him. And then one day Uh Huh.
Leah: Yeah. That's interesting. You know, which is an interesting segue into "dick-sand" because, um, I've noticed and I've, I've coached so many people regarding breakups. And have been through that breakup experience where it's so hard to get over someone and you're not over the relationship until one day you just wake up and it's not there.
Willow: Right.
Leah: And so, whether you are sort of longing for someone who's kind of unrequited love, which is more my experience versus being a relationship and then waking up one day and realizing I'm done.
Whitney Kell: Yeah, this is scary, especially I bet, because what you said we were so entwined, we just bought, um, huge property together.
We were so invested. Our lives were so entwined, so that as Willow mentioned, the, um, the untying and the entangling rather than cutting was the number one thing on my mind. And I just stayed in my heart the whole time. The man has raised me. I stopped drinking in our relationship and nothing that I have, would I have, had if that hadn't been his request.
I'd never had anybody say step up, honey. You know, like if you want this, this is what you need to do. And so I held that and I wouldn't have the success, the financial wellbeing, the health, the physical wellbeing, or the mental wellbeing, if it wasn't for him. So when we went into this, I listened to the vortex almost every day during this time.
Leah: What's the vortex?
Willow: Yeah. What's the vortex?
You both know Abraham Hicks, of course. And, um, there's several books from Abraham Hicks and now I've gotten into going on YouTube and just watching little 10 minute blurbs, which I didn't know were available back then. So I just got the vortex on the audio book and I listen to that every day. I'd go for walks and listen to about 15 minutes a day, and it kept me focused on staying present with what is, and staying in my heart. Because everything that we had created together, I was so grateful for. And we had a family that we built in our organization with our company. We didn't have a physical family.
Leah: Yeah. How did they react?
Whitney Kell: So , well, I think what happened, we did a video to announce to the world that we had chosen to do this, but, um, it wasn't as much about how they reacted, but how I walked through this experience and how most people wanna choose a side.
I think it's natural.
Leah: Yeah.
Whitney Kell: It's part of that. It's just part of the ending of cycles.
Leah: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's really true.
Whitney Kell: So it was more how I responded in reaction to that. And there were other things happening, obviously there's never just one thing in anyone's life that's going on. So there were multiple things that were happening.
We couldn't unwind the relationship of business, which brings me into the 90 day detox, if we're ready for that. So ...
Willow: One thing, one thing I wanna pause and kind of go back to is this the vortex that helped you come back to your essence, come back to your heart, basically come into a stronger union with your inner beloved.
And when you had that connection with your sovereignty, your essence, your inner beloved that made the uncoupling much more manageable?
Whitney Kell: Absolutely.
Leah: Did you have an awareness of that part within yourself? Like what were you choosing?
Whitney Kell: I chose love. More love does work and I chose to, um, be conscious and loving during the process.
And then he found the book by Kathy Woodard called conscious coupling. Okay. So we both then listened to that and started walking through that process together. We didn't do all of the exercises. She has an incredible program, which I think, um,
Leah: What, what part of that experience with that book and with him was the most helpful?
Whitney Kell: Well, she talks about recreating a new relationship. So you're in creation, not cutting, not ending. When anyone says you're X to me, you get sensitive. He's not my ex right. We created a new relationship. yeah. When, when I first met you, Whitney, I had never heard anyone talk about their exes as their former beloved before, it was so refreshing.
Willow: It was such a reframe of, you know. This is not just somebody that I'm cutting out of my life, but rather somebody that I still love and, and they were my beloved, but they're not now. So they're my former beloved. I mean, it really was, um, a significant just perspective shift for me when we first connected.
Whitney Kell: Yeah.
Leah: Yeah, I think that one of the things we wanna highlight on this show is the possibility that people can be happily ever after, even after breaking up. Yeah. Yeah. Happily ever after, even after divorce. That there's a way for us to go along our journey, maybe not together, but to do it apart and still keep what works, but let go of what doesn't work.
Willow: Yes.
Leah: You know, we don't have to hate each other. We don't have to rob each other in divorce court or pay the lawyers to rob us.
Willow: Yes.
Leah: And hate each other and put everyone through hell to split up.
Willow: And when you have children, or you have a business, or you have something between you that needs to live on, making a commitment to each other to do this uncoupling in the most conscious and kind way is an intention for a journey that you're about to go through and intention is everything.
So when you set that intention, it really sets the whole journey up for success.
And, um, you know, I went through that same initiation with my recent breakup and it was, it was such a, uh, it was the most beautiful breakup in the history of all breakups, you know, was amazing. And I think Whitney had the same experience and, and so she's, she and her former beloved have really been able to recreate, like, what's their relationship now?
And so often I'll have couples coming to me and they're, they've got and they're locked in and they're, but they're not happy in their relationship, but they don't wanna let each other go. It's like, okay, well, what's what you have is your relationship right now isn't working for either one of you and you don't wanna let go of each other, so why don't you recreate, like what kind of relationship do you wanna be in? You can recreate this. You can set the intention and formulate a new relationship. Maybe it doesn't involve sexuality anymore. Maybe it doesn't involve, you know, whatever anymore, but it still is a relationship. Because when you're family with somebody like that, when your souls are connected on that level, like you and your former beloved Whitney are family, you're always gonna be in each other's lives. Then you want to do that with love and compassion and kindness.
Whitney Kell: Yeah.
Leah: I think sometimes the best question to ask is, where do we need to let go that is no longer serving us? And also what needs to build up in us in order to do it in a loving, conscious, compassionate way forgiving way?
Whitney Kell: Yeah. Yeah. And just as closing on this topic, because what happened for me, cuz he, if you know the book attached, which I mean, after the ending of the relationship, I did a burning man named the event.
I went and went on a research, um, to re-identify who I was, cuz remember I was drinking when I got in this relationship. He's the first man sober that I did anything with. So this has been an uncovering and rediscovery and it's been five years and I'm currently still single. But I feel like even though I really wanted to plug my umbilical cord right into somebody else, this time has been necessary for me to really ground into understanding my attachment style, which is apparently anxious. But when I'm with a secure person it's secure attached, I think that book is incredible by the way, but the different aspects to what I've had to come into as being Whitney rather than becoming Whitney, which is what I've been doing for the 20 years I was in that relationship.
Leah: Oh, interesting.
Whitney Kell: So here I am being Whitney.
Leah: Yeah. And you've had a lot of adventures.
Whitney Kell: Let's talk about dating for a moment shall we?
Leah: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So what has it been like finding out who you are at this stage in your life? with more wisdom, more consciousness, more self awareness, sobriety.
18 YEARS LATER - DATING, DICK PICS, AND DICK-SAND
Leah: Yes. Right there, there weren't dick pics back then. So what's it like being on dating apps and, and moving forward in the world of love?
Whitney Kell: Yeah. Well, thank you for the question. It was quite, um, quite a good question. Lots of process, you know, a, on what came up for me because of the addictions and the tendencies that I have is how much he was actually covering.
So when the partnerships are completed, and there's no longer that covering, should you be someone like me who has different emotional needs or things that I hadn't healed because he was supporting those things and I didn't need to focus on them. So I've had an interesting journey, but I knew I wanted to experience things that I did.
Leah: Like what, like, what did you discover about yourself that you weren't, or didn't have time or didn't have the wherewithal to focus on when we were in the partnership?
Whitney Kell: So many things. I mean, that's a whole other call is when you are in a partnership and I lost some of myself, I mean, 18 years. And I didn't really know who I was because to begin with.
I got sober in that relationship.
Willow: Right.
Whitney Kell: So he raised me is the way I like to say it. I think that's the most generous way I can say that. Um, the vacations that we went on, he's a big wave surfer. I've been to Tahiti, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, but what does Whitney like?
Willow: Yeah.
Whitney Kell: Who does Whitney wanna be every single day? How do I wanna wake up? The business that we did, he led a lot of it and I am such a good, um, what is it celebratory? I'm a great cheerleader. I love it. When people are successful, I can help promote people. I have a lot of skills in that area. But what happens when that's gone? What do I need for myself?
And those are the things that I've had to work thru.
Leah: Okay.
Whitney Kell: Which gets us into the whole exciting parts of dating, which, um, during my relationship, I did have several single girlfriends during that time that were all single. And when I got out of my relationship, strangely enough, they all were in a relationship. But what they all said was how much they didn't like being single and that stuck with me.
And so when I was looking for that umbilical to stick in and not try to complete myself and fill myself, fortunately, I've gotten into some great personal growth, actually due to Leah, introducing Lynda Caesara, learning how to fill myself with mother earth during meditation, rather than looking outside myself for validation of my physical beauty, because I'm 51 years old.
And I ended that when I was in my forties.
Like, okay, I'm not in my twenties anymore. I'm entering my fifties and late forties. That whole period of time.
Whitney Kell: Yes.
Leah: Menopause is around the corner. And now I'm on dating sites because I think a lot of women when they've had long-term relationships and they've ended they're entering into the world of love again. And there's a lot of insecurities, and self doubt, and scarcity. Yeah. The fear that like all the good ones are taken.
There's just a whole new way of going about dating that, um, involves technology that even that can feel daunting and scary.
Leah: Yes.
Willow: For a lot so...
Then you gotta deal with tech issues and, or the thing where it's like, well, all the men my age want women that are younger or all the men that are coming on me are so much older. So like, how do you navigate...
Willow: ...or younger
Whitney Kell: I was really surprised that the younger men were quite fond of me, you know? Yeah.
Leah: I'm not surprised!
Whitney Kell: But the availability of men that are my age, cuz I'm 51, who are in great shape, who have got their stuff together, who have done the kind of work I've done, who are hot, hot, hot, And happy, happy, happy. Yes.
Leah: With older children or no children?
Whitney Kell: Whatever the mixture. And I've come through a lot of different awarenesses as I've grown these last five years.
Because in the beginning, when I dated, I dated nine men in a row. And I wanted to blog it, but it wasn't respectful at that point yet to my former partner. So I didn't do that, but I did take photos. I did. And the last, the last one, I just wanna share, before going to burning man and I was getting my hair blown out.
So I showed the last photo to my hairdresser and her face went like this and I'm like, what? And she goes, that's my best friend's boyfriend.
Willow: Oh...
Leah: oopsies...
Whitney Kell: So it was interesting to go through that process, and the dates were super uncomfortable. I mean, it was, I would call it a little bit of a shit show.
Um, but on the other hand, why that was, is because my preparation for really being ready to do that was not there. And I think listening to your internal self as to where you're at, for me, was very difficult because I wanted that umbilical cord and that security and that safety that I always had for so long. And I only knew sober.
Willow: Right.
Whitney Kell: So, mine might be a little different than some, but I will say the evolution of the last five years that I feel like there was a moment where I've let go of responsibility for him. And that has shifted my availability, my emotional availability, because what I noticed is I tended to bring in men who are emotionally unavailable or physically unavailable because they're in a relationship.
And so...
Leah: which would mean emotionally unavailable...
Willow: Right. Both. Yeah.
Yeah. I really see these last five years on this journey that you've been in as like your journey to your most authentic and true self.
So sovereignty is to have the authority to make choices from your deepest, most authentic truth. Before, uh, your former beloved relationship, you were plugged in, your umbilical cord was plugged into alcohol.
That was the safety and security place. Right. And then it was plugged into another person. And so now what I'm witnessing you do is really plug it into yourself, to spirit, and to your own inner wisdom, that's really guiding you forward. It's a beautiful thing to witness.
Leah: Yeah. I've watched you come in and out of wellbeing. Like I am a thousand percent committed to well-being and then "dick-straction" happens...
Willow: oh "dick-straction" that's always gonna happen...
Leah: You know, rollercoaster of, you know, wondering, and what's gonna happen and is this for real? And where does it go next? And how am I feeling about it right now? And all of those things. In your dating journey, you've had to do these 90 day detoxes. Some of us know that a cell is born, goes through its life cycle and then dies in a 90 day period. So there is a whole somatic regeneration, a cellular regeneration, in your physical body that happens in a 90 day period.
Willow: Um, and so tell us a little bit about how you developed and discovered that this was the way for you to let go of somebody that you knew wasn't really your next beloved.
Leah: Yeah, how'd you climb out of the Dick-sand?
Willow: And what the hell is Dick-sand? Define that for us...
Whitney Kell: Just like quick sand, look it's just like quick sand. You just get wrapped up in some guy you're excited about and you totally tunnel and start making up stories in my case. So what happened was, you know, I'd never had intimacy sober with anybody, but one person. So it's almost like being a Virgin. Um, so,
Leah: I bet it was fun to go a little crazy?
Whitney Kell: It was exciting to see what I could create and accomplish. But what I learned is that once that deep intimacy happened with penetration is when I got hooked. That's when the dick-straction took place where I would try to focus on something during the day and then get distracted by this man who had four very young kids, which I knew wasn't a match. And my girlfriends made fun of me, and they called him "four kids", bless his heart, but it wasn't a match and they knew it.
But here I am, cuz I was hooked on Dick-sand. And I could feel myself swirling over the Dick-sand. It's like a toilet. You just get sucked in. And it's very challenging for me
Leah: It's because you're waiting for the next dopamine hit like the 10x text and when am I gonna get the next fix?
Whitney Kell: Yes.
Leah: And I want that dopamine hit of attention.
WHITNEY'S 90-DAY RELATIONSHIP DETOX
Whitney Kell: Yeah. So there were multiple experiences with this, but a dear friend of mine who's very intuitive introduced me to the 90 day detox during one of my Dick-sand experience,
Willow: Dick-straction experiences.
Whitney Kell: Yeah. Yeah. And so how to do the 90 day and I do this in my business with my clients and coaches as well, if somebody's interested, in how to release that oxytocin addiction. Ad-dick-tion. So...
Willow: yes, it is an addiction, dopamine, oxytocin. Those are drugs inside of your body. Your body naturally makes it, but they are very addicting, very addicting.
Very ad-dick-ting. So I just like saying it.
So what happened was, I was, uh, presented with as a practice, was to let go. No more reading his poetry, no more watching anything on, on, um, social media couldn't look at anything, no more listening to the audio messages, or the recordings of the messages that were left, complete elimination. No more talking about him to friends and reliving.
Leah: So would you like to unfriend them on social media?
Whitney Kell: So this is how you do for 90 days. If anybody wants to do a 90 day detox, um, and would you call it a 90 day cleanse?
Leah: Yeah. 90 day cleanse
Whitney Kell: You call it whatever you want, but basically what it is is you're taking whatever that experienced person, maybe it's alcohol, for everybody it's different, but what is it?
And for me it was a relationship. What does this relationship mean? Is it healthy? So I'd have a conversation. With the individual, I've done it multiple times. And I said, "Hey, I need 90 days of a break with you. I really wanna determine whether or not this is a healthy relationship and what I'd like, your permission is in 90 days from now, if I feel like it would be appropriate for us to recreate a new connection that you give me permission to come back and share that with you."
And, you know, it was received differently by each man. But the bottom line was I needed this for myself, whether it was something that they were excited about or they understood, some did. And I just said, that's what I have to do. I can no longer, and I went through all the things that I cannot do. I made the request to some of them please don't like any of my social media, I just need that complete disconnect.
Leah: Total sobriety. Do I need zero contact?
Whitney Kell: Precisely.
Leah: I mean, what an interesting, Willow, isn't that like, just a great sovereignty practice?
Willow: Yes, absolutely. And it's such an epic coach's way of "getting over" something, or "getting clarity" on something, so that you can redefine what it's going to be moving forward.
I just love it. It's so structured. It's a fucking protocol. Yeah. Is what it is. It's great.
Leah: And you are a great example of someone who's coachable. If you're wondering whether or not you're coachable and if coaching is good for you or right for you, you will do really well in a coaching relationship if you are coachable.
And so you took some, you took the formula and you applied it to your life.
Um, I'm not always very coachable. So I think I, would've a hard time following the rules cuz I'm a rule breaker, you know, by and large. But I'll tell you what would sell me is being, having my own sexual sovereignty and coming home to myself and wanting that to be full here. So I can overflow there. You know?
Whitney Kell: I wanted to feel better. I wanted to recover from that addiction. I wanted to, uh, I knew it wasn't a fit for me. I knew these men weren't fits for me.
Now I have one that I haven't completely done in 90 days. And what I will say is that I noticed that with my former partner, I couldn't do it.
We still worked together. And I didn't need to because there wasn't that dick-sand the hook wasn't there.
Leah: Right.
Willow: The dopamine, the oxytocin hook wasn't in place. Yeah.
Leah: Right.
Willow: You were done with it.
Whitney Kell: So it's healthy, yeah. It was a healthy relationship. So, you know, and that's the defining moment for me?
Within 72 days, I remember the hardest one that was the most addictive was 72 days. And at 72 days there was just this release where I no longer was thinking about him. I no longer felt a draw. I was able to release it. And then what happened was, when he, uh, he sent me an email and asked me about if the 90 days was complete, I said it is, but I feel like our Karma's complete as well.
So I really appreciated him and I thanked him and I wished him so much abundance, but no longer felt that I had to check in. Was this person, someone I could have a conversation with and feel like we could come to a healthy new evolution in our relationship. And I had heard things from other people about him and in circles.
And I was just like, you know what? I just don't think it's a good idea for me to go back there. Why not move forward and toward something new, get out of the Dick-sand let go of my dick-stractions and be that sovereign being.
Leah: I think it's interesting that you started to pick up a pattern, like okay, those three days and a burden lifted.
Were there other obstacles that were also a pattern or sensations of relief in the 90 days that repeated itself?
Whitney Kell: Yeah.
Leah: When did you do it multiple times?
Whitney Kell: Yeah. Well, it was 72 days with one, it took less days with another, so every, every, every dick-sand was deeper than the other or less, more shallow. So I was able to get myself out of it.
If you think of quick sand, how it sucks you in.
Willow: Yes. Let's go back. You said with one of them you didn't complete the 90 days with...
Whitney Kell: I haven't and I'm still in his dick-sand. I'm aware of it. Totally aware of it. Talk to too many psychics about what it must mean. Okay. Obsessing on it, chewing on it, clear on it.
How many times have you both heard about it?
Willow: Yeah.
Whitney Kell: Um, there is, uh, individual who I've chosen to maintain, for whatever reason, and when it's supposed to unfold it will. Although I will say, as we were coming on this call together, I had considered maybe it's time. Would I have the conversation, because here's the other key, do you have to have that conversation with them?
The answer's no, it's not a healthy relationship and you're not safe. Absolutely not. You just cut it out. Do the practice. I journal every day. It helped me release what I wanted to say. I wrote letters to the men.
Willow: Yes.
Whitney Kell: Um, and it helped me release.
Leah: So you wrote letters to them, but you didn't send them?
Whitney Kell: No, no, no.
Willow: They're all all in your own personal journal.
How do you know when you need a 90 Day Detox?
Willow: So how do you know, like what's the indicator inside of yourself to know that it is time? You just said you had a feeling as we were coming onto this call, what does it feel like?
Whitney Kell: Well, I think what my determiner with these men has been is, how crappy I feel.
Willow: That's a really good determination.
Leah: Suffering.
Whitney Kell: Yeah. Suffering is true. And there is a certain amount because, probably because I'm an alcoholic, and the trauma I experienced as a child, there's a comfort level and an attraction that I have to that, um, experience. Um, but the lack of understanding of why I'm still cuz mentally it makes no sense.
Leah: Right.
Whitney Kell: But there's such a history that I keep wanting to go back there. So I think there's safety or security, maybe daddy stuff.
Willow: That, that really speaks to, um, uh, Eckhart Tolle in his book, a new earth speaks about the pain body, better than anyone I've ever read or heard or anything. And so I think like there is this somatic because you know, we talk to clients all the time, Leah and I who are like, it makes no sense why can't I let it go?
Like what's going on with my mind knows better but my Soma, my physicality, the cellular connection in my nervous system wants that old familiar pattern because that's what I learned love is as a child. And so how do you navigate that shift?
Whitney Kell: Well, fortunately I have amazing friends who are fabulous coaches and that helps me.
Yeah. Remind myself that, you know, there are, it's all a choice. It's a choice whether I stay in this experience, it's a choice whether I choose to move on. I have the tools and resources and as Miss Leah here said, are you coachable? Am I coachable right now? Is this the time for me? Really listening to myself because that's what I didn't do for so long.
And I don't, I do not hold my former partner accountable for that. I didn't have an example, a model of somebody who taught me how to go inside and check in to see whether or not it's time. And so I'm just listening. I'm doing a really deep tuning, not just to, um, the outside, which is that relationship of how it interacts with me on the physical reality, but how is it impacting me on the inside?
And what I found is that every time I looked at a text or read a message, I felt like shit.
Leah: So you're measuring your, and being aware of the sensations in your body. So really tuning in to what your body's feeling, instead of doing the whole thing in the mind.
Whitney Kell: Right. That's the difference.
Leah: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. So do you, what are the tools that you could share with us and the audience about when it gets really hard, when you wanna relapse yeah. You know, when you want that hit, right? What do you do?
How do you get yourself out there?
Whitney Kell: In the spin? You're circling the top of the dick-sand.
Leah: Yeah.
Whitney Kell: How do you pull yourself out?
You know, I think it's gonna be different for a lot of people, but the number one thing is meditation. The number one thing that I have learned from this experience is getting quiet. Even my therapist said, can you sit in silence for five minutes, Whit? 20 minutes is where he started. And I said, no. And he said, can you start with five?
And that, not just the meditation, this is different, but just sitting quietly, doing nothing, which I'm used to doing, accomplishing, going. Most of us have to feel that masculine side. And I built a huge organization. So my masculine is strong so that my mind is trained and programmed to lead, my body's not.
And the feminine allows the body to lead in moments...
Leah: or to receive, you know, to really just be that stillness and be able to let a higher power in. To allow peace to come in, to allow your nervous system.
Whitney Kell: Yes.
Leah: To like to come and center itself, to just tune into what are my senses. What's the air like on my skin?
What's the taste in my mouth? What light do I see with my eyes? What can I hear in this space, but also out there? I think if you're really looking for a way to find a meditative mind, it starts with finding presence. How do you find presence? Simple. Tune into the five senses.
Willow: Yeah.
Leah: And they'll lead you there really fast.
Whitney Kell: So I would say meditation and then coming to the awareness that that 90 day detox has to happen. Whatever it is, that's unhealthy. Is this unhealthy or is it not? And unhooking myself from the oxytocin hits, because that's what I'm getting is that oxytocin when I get in that spin. So making the decision to let go.
And like I had said, I've still got one to walk through. And what I've done is journal and I need to be consistent with it. That is the key. I think one of my friends told me to write a letter to him. Don't send it and write a letter saying, what would you say if you had him in front of you, what would you actually say?
But then the other side is what would he probably say in return? And when I got clear on that, I knew, it's not the, it's not the connection that my heart deserves.
My little girl wants to be adored and loved and deserves it. I have done so much quality effort and intentional practices to heal that heart of mine that had the trauma of being in a relationship with a beloved.
Leah: To be healthy mind, body, spirit, whole nine yards.
Whitney Kell: So those are the tools. I would say, meditation, journaling, and talking to friends who I trust.
You know, each friend that I go to will give me a different vibrational sensation. Experience back from their perspective, everyone's a channel. It's just, where are they channeling into? What is their trauma? What is their perspective?
And being able to, um, being an AA for nine years helped me a lot with this. And that's, does this try it on how does this fit? And then leaving the stuff behind that I know is their own personal filter. Thank you. Yeah, absolutely.
Leah: You know, what else I've noticed you do, which I think is really positive is, um, you will look for content that is positive.
That is supportive. You'll watch YouTube, you'll listen to podcasts. You will immerse yourself in things that move you towards the state you wanna be.
Thank you. That was the vortex.
You'll read books. I mean, yeah. There's yeah...
Whitney Kell: every day. And I do that constantly. The 4 Agreements I probably listen to on audio 60 times and I'll listen to sections, but every day you're right. Because I told you, today I realize that I'm going to...
Leah: you're always sending me clips.
Willow: We get so many clips from Whitney. Oh my God. Okay.
So that, that is, that is exactly one of the tools. So it would be the meditation, the journaling, the, uh, Filling.
Whitney Kell: So it's the emptying with the meditation [00:38:00] and then the filling with the things out there that are gonna help me feel sovereign.
Yeah.
Nourished.
Willow: What you're really, what you're really speaking to is, is the discernment archetype, which is actually in Chinese medicine related to the small intestine. So the small intestine in your body, and this might lead us into what you do as a coach, which is really to help people discern, like, what is nourishing for me and what is toxic for me?
So my small intestine steps in, and it's like, okay, I just ate this ice cream, you know? Okay. There's a little bit of protein in there. Okay. A little bit of nourishment, I'm gonna take it into the bloodstream. I'm gonna use it for energy. There's some good sugar in there. Use that for energy. And the rest of it is toxic waste.
So it's going to the colon. That's what the small intestine does. And the small intestine is paired together with the heart. So it helps the heart understand nourishment. Versus toxic. So when you are doing these 90 day detoxes and you are really navigating like, oh, what's really true here? Is this just my, my pain body wanting something comforting?
Or is there really some soul connection here that I want to continue to explore? You're discerning, you're making that navigational pathway. And, um, and then that's really what you help people do as a coach. You've trained over, you know, 250,000 coaches, like you've really built an empire. And I think that this, all that you did, all that work that you did when you were in that relationship with your former beloved is you were getting your discernment factor, like really well trained.
Yeah, yeah. That is what we do in the business that I'm involved in and as coaches, I think you both are also doing this where you have them. I ask them, what is your life? What is it in your physical, mental, and financial situation? Tell me about if you're a 10 and you're physical and you're in healthy shape and feel good, and then I'll do the mental and then the financial, and think about that.
For those of you who are watching for yourself, what's your 10 and then pulling it back to where are you now? In reality in this moment, cuz moment to moment changes. So I'll help people. And that tension, the structural tension between here and there, which is Robert Fritz's information, which I also studied with.
But that tension helps guide you to what are the next steps that need to be taken in order to move towards that? And just for myself to be able to move to those steps, I need support. Accountability. I mean, having you in the last two days, she's been so helpful. She's held my hand and I think we all need someone who believes in us and says, Hey, you can do this.
You can follow those next steps. And so as a coach, that's what I provide. I ask questions. I do active listening. I gave feedback when I heard I have to practice. Not giving advice or telling, because I know and have experienced so much in my life. So I really look forward to the experience of these dates, too, how I intertwine it in whether it's dating or interviewing a client or someone who may become a coach.
It's the same process, active listening, reflecting back when I'm hearing and asking questions so that I can support them in getting clarity. And so I know whether, or we're a match or my program is a fit for them. I am not anymore interested in talking someone into my program as I did with someone yesterday that you saw.
Cause I've talked plenty, I can sell you on anything. I can rope you in and get you on my program. But then to what ends, if you're not committed to follow through with the steps to create the results that you want. My masculine's like, I don't even wanna play if you're not gonna do the work.
Leah: Right. Because you wanna see it being in service to others.
You wanna see it, you know, really transform people's lives who want it and need it. It's not fun to drag someone to the table, you know, kicking and screaming.
Whitney Kell: They're not ready.
Leah: They're not. Yeah.
Whitney Kell: And being honoring that soul's own path. It's not my job to drag you in, my job from my perspective is to help you identify where you are and when you are ready... I mean, I've met plenty of people in three years, and then I get a call. You say, Hey, Whit, I'm ready to go. Let's do this. And I'm there excited, loving. I don't, I never cut what you can untie. And so I just leave it until they're ready to come back.
Leah: I like that. I never cut what I can untie. That's a good one.
Whitney Kell: One of the last things I wanna share is follow up for me is the key. Because if you think about it, why waste the time reaching out to somebody or connecting with them? If you're not willing to stay connected, to show up that you actually do care, and that it's not, I'm just trying to make a sale that I really genuinely care for you.
And I would love for you to be successful, when you're ready.
Leah: That's beautiful. Yeah. So. Go ahead Willow.
Willow: I was just gonna say, yeah, that makes a huge difference from a coach's perspective and from a client perspective, it's like the feeling is that you really do care about the person's success.
You really do care that they are ready to take that next step. um, one of the things I feel like I'm the strongest at is discipline and understanding energetically, what needs to be removed.
Whitney Kell: And once I can get that outta the way and remove it, that allows me to be safe, feel safe. I'm always looking to feel safe because of the trauma I experience. Right now, I wanna share in my personal relationships, I have a 30 day hold. I have not been intimate with anyone for 30 days. If they want to get to know me and wanna invest in a relationship where it could go somewhere, I'm ready.
I'm ready for partnership.
Leah: I was just about to ask you, what do you want? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you're ready for partnership.
Whitney Kell: I'm ready for partnership. I feel sovereign. I've had some really interesting, um, opportunities to explore different types of people and that what you don't want helps you get clarity on what you do want.
I've gotten some brilliant coaching about keeping my heart open, um, the untethered soul. Is beautiful..
Leah: Such a good book on that. Love that. Yeah. Really is.
Whitney Kell: And learning how to practice that. Opening my heart rather than closing it because when I was young and my father was emotionally unavailable, I had to learn how to close my heart.
You know, that is where maybe I didn't have to learn it. That's where I learned that behavior. So practicing that opening, even when I wanna close and protect, trusting myself that I have enough skills and abilities to cry through it, because crying gets the sadness out of you. To journal. And that I have a support system in place where I can reach out and help process that energy through my body.
So I am ready for a relationship, trusting and understanding that, you know, who knows where it'll go, right? It's not guaranteed. I can do the 30 days, but I did do the 30 days I did.
Leah: What do you mean by 30 days?
Whitney Kell: Okay. So when I met Greg, by the way, that's when I made the decision. Even when I was heavily drinking at the age of 28, I had slept with a man who came over the next day. After I just met him and he tried to sleep with my neighbor right in front of me. And I always felt this disgusting feeling in my stomach. And I was so hurt and I felt so many feelings of disappointment and disrespect. And in that moment I said, screw that, I am not sleeping with another guy. I'm not gonna kiss him for two days.
I am not going to sleep with another guy for 30 days. And I met a few men and I also wanted them to get a test, to show that they're clean, which I just had. And I'm wanting...
Leah: of STI's?
Whitney Kell: Yes. I wanna know that I'm investing into this. And so are you, and we're both on the same page, cuz getting Amanda to wear a condom is also quite challenging, but knowing that I'm safe and he's safe and that he actually wants to show up and get to know me because I've already had my experience now over the last five years of intimacy with is unbridled.
So it's time for me in my life. I wanna bring in a partnership, somebody that is truly interested in building together again. So I'm. That's why I’m waiting 30 days. It doesn't have to be 30 days. Well,
Leah: What, right. It doesn't have to be 30 days, but you wanna be dating someone for at least 30 days before you sleep with them.
Whitney Kell: And I wanna know that they're in, involved in, um, invested is the word.
Leah: So just in case there's any really cool guys out there listening, what kind of guy, um, are you looking for?
Whitney Kell: You know, it's funny because , you know, you always think that you've got a certain image of what someone is supposed to look like or be like, but for me, it's chemistry and energy really.
I mean, I like all shapes and sizes and colors. It's just...
Well, let's get a little more honest then I like all shapes and sizes. I think you can really zero in on a hot Bod and that's actually really important to you. Well, absolutely. Yeah. I don't misunderstand. I have certain requirements. Mm-hmm um, of health and wellbeing.
I've done a ton of personal work. I don't drink alcohol. It's not that I have any issue with someone drinking it with me, but after somebody has three cocktails or if on their, whatever, it's called their pages, they've got, you know, a drink. They get annoying. Yeah. I just don't have the patience for it. I wanna talk about things that are valuable and important.
Whitney Kell: Buckminster Fuller used to say to, um, my, one of my mentors, Marshall Therbur, what's the most important thing we could be talking about right now? Life is short. I want always to be with somebody who's fun, funny, uh, loves life, knows themself, has a deep grounding in their beingness, king or prince is, um,
Leah: On the king's side.
Whitney Kell: On the king side. Yes.
Leah: Yeah. All right. So we need someone who is really good looking, um, is in good shape, right? Because she takes really good care of her body. It's important to her value. She eats well, very healthy lifestyle. Doesn't abuse alcohol....
Willow: spiritually sound...
Leah: ...loves to adventure, and travel, and has the money and the success to afford it.
That's what we're looking for. You can apply to Willow and Leah @sexreimagined, we'll be taking applications
Willow: for a date with Whitney, but know, that you're not gonna get any nookie for 30 days.
Whitney Kell: Yes.
Willow: Deep conversations are very important. So this 30 day, this 30 day thing, this just came from your intuition from your, your inner wisdom?
Whitney Kell: When I was 28, heavily drinking. Yeah. I was like, I cannot keep, because what I felt was that man that I chose who came over and tried to be with my, uh, neighbor was not necessarily the kind of man that deserved me. And I knew that, and I was like, well, how do I find out if they deserve me before I get intimate with them? Well, or I want them, or they're gonna treat me with respect.
Well, then 30 days of non intimacy was the answer. And, you know, I was still drinking when I did it the first time, this time I'm not drinking. So I am seeing somebody who says he's interested. I haven't, he hasn't shown up that way, but it doesn't mean it couldn't happen. So I am.
Leah: How does showing that you're interested? What advice would you give men out there?
Let me say this. Any woman or person that you want to be in a relationship with, and this is a perfect example of these women is. I like to chase, now, that is a masculine thing to do.
Whitney Kell: But what I will say is that if you really are interested in someone, show up, call them, text them, make an effort to go to their events, to, to be in their life, whether it's friendship or lovership, you know, show up and see what happens. Don't get so attached to the result. That's the Tantric way. Be present with the experience of getting to know this beautiful person and wherever that relationship will go, who knows?
And that's what I wish for, for the men that come into my space and wanna play the 30 day game is that, you know, show up, show me who you are. Because then that's how we're gonna know whether or not we could go the long term together, which is what I think you know, what I want. And I think so many people have noticed on the dating app, specifically, they say they want this, you know, serious relationship.
Which for me, by the way, I don't want to be serious. I want fun. I want adventure. That is not gonna be...
But you want committed...
Willow: fun, adventure, and sex still remains the and the relationship.
Whitney Kell: Yes, but conscious. And by Tantric, what I really appreciate and love about Tantra that you have brought into my life is that there is no goal.
The unattached woman, the woman that's not in the Dick sand, the woman who's present with herself and is just a mirror. And what did you sayWillow? you said one of the most brilliant things. If I could look at each of these men as an experience, was that what it was
Willow: mm-hmm... rather than a potential relationship, they're just an experience that takes a lot of the pressure off of getting to know them.
Leah: Yeah. Or like having to be the one where we're projecting all this stuff onto them.
Whitney Kell: Most people are projecting. So being available for myself and paying attention to how, when I'm with that person, how do I feel? How do I show up? And how are they showing up? How are they coming in? Are they showing up with an intention to get to know me?
Do they behave in a way that shows me that they want to let me get to know them? Are they emotionally available? And, um,
Leah: How do you know when someone's emotionally available?
Whitney Kell: Let's sit with that for a sec. What do you girls think? May I ask?
Leah: Yeah. How do you know you're in the dating space?
Willow: Yeah. So when somebody's emotionally available, they have emotional intelligence and presence, both. So there are many people who don't have emotional intelligence, meaning that they can't read someone's emotions and they don't know how to react appropriately. Um, but if they do have emotional intelligence, then they need presence on top of that in order to really be emotionally available, they require to not be distracted by their phones.
They're not looking outside of the connection between you and them to, um, figure out what's happening between you and them. So a really big sense of presence I would say.
Leah: Yeah. I also think there's something about them being affectionate. Mm-hmm , you know, they're open, you feel like their heart is open. Right. You know, first, I mean, that doesn't mean there's not gonna be, there's not gonna be some guardedness there because, um, there's a lot of men that haven't had that model of what it's like to live in life with an open heart, a lot of women too.
Um, but they're connected, you know, you could feel like they're in their body. Yeah. More. Yeah. And, um, yeah, they don't mind being gooey. In fact, they like it.
Whitney Kell: Yes. Well, so what I've noticed too, and those are really powerful ladies. I agree a hundred percent that they don't share certain things about their life.
They're not open. What I've had to learn by the way is the last little tip for myself is to pull back. I don't need to dump,
Leah: right? You don't need to hand them a tsunami on the first date.
Willow: Well, that speaks to being in your feminine and letting them take the reins and being in their masculine. I feel like we have, as women, moved so far into this, we've swung so far over to like, let's be in our masculine and run and drive this train and run this show that it leaves very little room for men in heterosexual relationships to be
Leah: participate.
Willow: Yeah, they don't have any room to play. I mean, I see this in marriages constantly, and it's because we, as women, haven't cultivated what it means to be in our feminine. To be receptive.
Leah: That's because it's been scary and to be in our feminine,
Willow: it hasn't been safe.
Leah: We've had a total indoctrination of going...
Willow: absolutely.
Leah: You'll get validation from the world. If you. Are more penetrative in the world.
Willow: Exactly. Yeah.
Whitney Kell: And one of the things that I've learned is that I need to put my energy and attention in my womb and not in my heart. Because there's this interesting practice that Lynda Caesara has taught us, is that putting my energy in my womb grounds me more, but it also makes me more receptive to the masculine Uhhuh instead of aggressive too.
Leah: Yeah, that's great.
Whitney Kell: And so I'm in, I'm in practice, I'm learning. And you know, somebody who accepts all of me and likes the quirky, fun, wild Whitney filter free.
Leah: Mm-hmm well, thanks. Whit
It's been so fun to have you.
Whitney Kell: It was a great discussion. Just super fun. It's such a pleasure.
Willow: We love you so much.
Leah: Yeah. All right, everybody.
Remember in the comments, uh, leave your application and we will be reviewing them in the next week.
Whitney Kell: And if anyone needs support or wants guidance with their health, there's also an opportunity.
Leah: Oh yeah. You have something for the audience.
Whitney Kell: Yes. I have a free complimentary, a free 30 minute, um, overview and coaching call.
Willow: So that's fantastic.
Whitney Kell: We'll put a little link down there. I would love to help support anybody on getting clarity on where they wanna go, where they're at, and what they need to do to take steps to move towards it. If my program is working with me it is a match. Fantastic. If it's not, at least you'll walk away with some powerful tips on how to shift.
Leah: And so what, what do you cover on that private one on one call?
Whitney Kell: Well, I'll go through helping them identify where they are and where they wanna be with their physical, mental, and financial health. We'll help them dissect and uncover what are the things that need to happen in order for them to move towards it.
In some cases, I'll do a seven day, um, work with somebody to see if they can do it on their own. Some people can, other people need, um, accountability, but it's really uncovering where somebody wants to go. And if they're really actively capable of doing it themselves.
Leah: Cool. So for a healthy life come to Whitney.
Thanks. Y'all.