Why You Should Not Wait For A Partner To Study Tantra
Willow: today on sex reimagined. We talked about why waiting to have a partner to begin practicing or studying tantra is a big mistake.
Leah: That's right. We covered the pros and the cons of practicing Tantra.
As a relationship or as a single and what you should know.
Willow: There's so much to know. We really went deep into the practices of red Tantra versus white Tantra and how understanding how these practices evolve inside of yourself, brings you to a much closer relationship with self trust.
Leah: We talked about separating the roles of giver and receiver and the power of what friendship gives to any relationship and why it should be number one.
Willow: Absolutely. So enjoy this episode and we'll see you on the other side.
Leah: Sit back, relax and love. Love, love, love, love.
Willow: love, love, love, love, love, love.
Welcome to the sex reimagined podcast, where sex is shame free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show.
Leah: so Willow one of the things that we wanna jam out on is the mistake that we see people make all the time when it comes to learning this amazing art form called Tantra and sacred sex and the mystery school of what sexuality can be.
Willow: Absolutely. I talk to people constantly and they say, "oh, but I don't have a partner."
Leah: Yeah.
Willow: "So I can't start learning that. I can't start practicing. I wish I did, but I guess I just can't go there yet."
Leah: Yeah. I'd love to take this course, but I don't have a boyfriend or I don't have a girlfriend.
Big mistake, don't do that.
Willow: Or I don't have a lover period. You don't need one.
Leah: Yeah. In fact...
Willow: that's what we wanna say....
Leah: We believe we're gonna bottom line this for you right in the beginning. We believe that it's almost better.
Willow: Yeah..
Leah: Yeah..
Willow: For very good reasons, like the physiological actual function of the body. It's better to start learning and practicing this stuff on your own before you've got someone else's energy and their own physiology all up in your space, because you wanna know where you are guiding and directing sexual energy.
That's one of the big practices in Tantra is how to circulate, how to guide that highly cultivated, pleasurable and orgasmic Chi energy.
[00:02:43] Pro's and Con's of practicing tantra as a couple vs as a single
Willow: Yeah. You know, in my two decades of watching both singles and couples in the same room have the same experience. These are the things that are both the pros and the cons. Because there's pros and cons to coming as a couple or to coming as a single.
And I'm not just talking about whether you go to a workshop, this would be inclusive of reading a book and trying out some practices, watching a YouTube tutorial and trying to sort out, how do I experience these teachings from an embodied place. Yeah, requires a body. If you actually wanna learn Tantra, you do have to put the science into your nervous system and into your muscle memory and into your intimacy muscles, you wanna strengthen those things.
Leah: So pros and cons, obviously as a couple. It's nice to go and learn these things together when you're learning sexual Tantra, because you got somebody that you already know and love and hopefully trust to do some of the more vulnerable things with. It's like your best friend is with you. And there's a lot of comfort in that. You know, when you're going to a workshop and you don't know anyone else there, well, you certainly know your partner.
Willow: Yeah. And that's a comfort.
Leah: It is such a comfort. And it's lovely, especially if you're in a beautiful place and this is a foundation that you get to skyrocket from. It's also a powerful place. If you're hurting and you wanna heal something that is dividing you and your partner, it can be useful for that too.
But what's interesting is when you have a history with someone, it can bring up a lot of stuff. When you are single and maybe you're meeting a practice buddy to do a meditation with, or an exercise with, you don't have a history. So the likelihood of triggering each other into the drama world…
Willow: and story...
Leah: And the story, it's just diminished.
Whereas a couple it's pretty common. They start to step on each other's wounds and buttons and they get triggered way more often than the singles.
Willow: I think all the times that you've been teaching couples and individuals, these past 20 years, you've seen some who were on the brink of divorce.
Leah: Oh, totally.
Willow: And went totally 180 to the other side of like, oh my God, we're so in love. And those who came in who were like, oh yeah, it's all fine and dandy in our relationship. And then did a 180 to the other side of like, ah, shit, the shadows are showing up now.
Leah: Yeah, ya know when I was a coordinator & planning the events and my role was at the back of the room versus the front of the room, a common conversation that I had on the phone with people interested in the class was.
My marriage is really on the rocks.
Willow: Yeah.
Leah: You know, basically you are our last stop before we head to the divorce lawyer. Will this
save my marriage?
And my answer....
Willow: That is up to you... it depends.
Leah: My answer, I think, is a really profound and true one. And that is Tantra does not guarantee to save your relationship, what it will guarantee is that it's gonna bring you closer to your truth.
And who do you want to be living your life? Most of us wanna be living in our truth.
Willow: Absolutely.
Leah: And not in denial, not in a place where they are twisting themselves into a pretzel, trying to be what someone else wants them to be, but you're living a more authentic truth.
Yeah. And Tantra will give you that.
Willow: It certainly will. And when you're living in your authentic truth, not only does it feel better in your heart and in your mind, but in your body as well. Disease, disorders of the body come from not living in your authentic truth, trying to deny your authentic truth, trying to deny what you truly want out of love and intimacy and relationship.
[00:07:06] What does the word "tantra" really mean?
Willow: So that you can stay in the thing that you're in, because it feels safe on some level. Um, but it's actually eating you up inside on a much deeper level. I wanna pause for a second and I just want to define Tantra. Let, what, what the hell is it like? What's that word even mean? Translate for us into English.
So the word Tantra is a Sanskrit word and it's two Sanskrit syllables. "Tan" means expansive "tra", meaning weaving. When you combine that with yoga, yoga translates to union. This is just one of the definitions. So you've got this expansive weaving of union. Now Tantra is a big topic and if you look at it like Tantra is a pie, the sexual aspect of Tantra is just a slice of the pie.
Leah: That happens to be our specialty. So on this show, you're gonna hear a lot more about the intimacy and the sexuality aspects of Tantra yoga. We'll also include subjects having to do with non-dualism, meditation, and so on. But our focus is more in the Neo Tantra world versus the classical Tantra world, at least for my specialty as a sexpert.
Willow: So this,expansion, this weaving of expansion. That's what Tantra is. It's a tool for expanding yourself into more wholeness, more who you came to be in the world. So this weaving of yourself in the world, not only internally inside of yourself, but also how do you then weave like, oh, I'm this whole new person.
[00:08:44] White Tantra vs Red Tantra
Willow: How do you weave that into the world? Into the people who have always known you a certain way. So the practice of Tantra is not just like Leah just said, it's not just a sexual one. Although that's the one we're gonna be highlighting the most.
And as far as I understand, there's two legs of Tantra. There's a white Tantra and red Tantra. Wanna speak to that?
Leah: Yeah. So red tantra is the practice that you do with another body and white Tantra is the solo practice. It's the practice that you do to prepare your body, as if your body were an instrument that you would make love with you wanna practice your instrument.
You wanna get really good at knowing the chords. You've gotta come to practice every day and fine tune your instrument so that when it's time to practice red Tantra, you're ready to create a concert. You're ready to make music to the next level?
Willow: Ahhh, the music...
Leah: ...the music...
Willow: ...the music. Did you ever notice that the word muse, museum, music, they all are about the muse, like the inspiration.
And so this practice of white tantra really is, that's what we're talking about, is so good to practice on your own before bringing it to another human body. Because then you know the places inside of you where it feels good to bring sexual energy, where it feels good to bring pleasure into your body, then you can guide your partner.
You have more sovereignty, and more say, you have a greater voice of what's actually turns you on and lights you up in a sexual manner.
So I come from this deeper background of Taoist sexology, right? And so the whole premise of Taoist sexology is like, how do I run the most potent creative life force energy that I have access to, which is sexual energy that creates new life.
You know, sexual energy creates a whole new human being. So that's very, very powerful. How do I run that through certain meridians in my body? How do I run that through the nadis that we learn in Tantra? How do I run it through these channels and these systems, these organs, and these glands and these light sensitive centers in my body?
Learning how to do that on your own gives you more confidence when you are then bringing it to a red tantra practice where you are practicing with another person.
[00:11:22] Why practicing white tantra is life changing
Leah: Yeah. I mean, just from... whether you are single or whether you are in a relationship, you must practice white Tantra. And I think it's a temptation for a lot of people, because we're kind of lazy as human beings, let's face it.
We kind of just want the goods. It's it's pretty common that the reason why Tantra sells right now in the modern era, is because sex sells. So that's a driving force. People want to be better lovers, but what they miss is if you don't do the work on yourself in the solo practice, you're really missing the point.
There's a Tantric Sutra, and I'm gonna paraphrase. It goes something like this, the practice of red Tantra without the practice of white Tantra is but the copulation of eunuchs...
Willow: love that
Leah: ...something is missing. So this cultivation practice is where you get to harness your wisdom, and your embodied knowledge, and your deep understanding of what gets to be so beautiful when you bring it to another person.
And I think when we consider who we are, when we're preparing ourselves for our next relationship, if we are single, there's a lot of magic and growth that occurs. When we go on a journey, call it a pilgrimage, call it a personal growth tour, call it whatever you need, but it's like a growth spurt where you realize.... I know this was true for me...
I was sick and tired of attracting the same kind of partner over and over. Like, there was definitely a theme, a lot of musicians. A lot of broke musicians, uh, who weren't all that interested in commitment. So I was over it. I'm like, enough is enough. Why am I repeating this pattern? So that was one of the things that was inspiring me to take more action in studying Tantra because I wanted to break that pattern.
And what was required is you gotta raise your own vibration if you wanna attract a better vibration. You know? If you want a better partner, then you gotta do your work so that they notice you. Cause right now you're invisible.
Willow: Absolutely. I was just talking to my group of women that I lead the other day. And I was like, you know, when you see someone walk into a room and they have everything they need right inside of themselves, and they know it, that person is magnetic. They are attractive. You wanna go say hello to them! They're open, they're user friendly. They're just available because they're everything that they have they've dug deep inside of themselves. They've looked at their shadows. They've looked at the things that are painful and hard to look at.
That is really not that fun to go down into those shadows, you know? But when you do and you start to extract the roots of sexual shame, sexual guilt, sexual trauma, all of the things that keep you blocked from being that one who walks into the room, who has everything that they need right inside of themselves, you get to flower. It's like you get to blossom like a rose one petal at a time. It's a really beautiful process.
And it's very helpful to have a guide, to have multiple guides, teachers, people who are tracking you, people who are giving you the feedback of like, okay, yes, what you just went through is really valuable. It felt like shit to you, but it's really valuable from where I sit.
And I see that you are doing the deepest work that needs to get done.
Leah: Absolutely.
I wanna circle back on this one thought and then circle back to the individual when you're single and you're practicing this work and the potential of sex magic and doing sexual healing work.
And what's different between doing a practice with a male identified body, versus a female identified body, versus with yourself, because they're really three really beautiful keys.
[00:15:52] The two different outcomes Leah has witnessed from couple's in class.
Leah: To say this piece about couples. I have watched two things happen when a couple comes in the door and their relationship is hurting.
And the fear of breaking up is alive in them. And they're really hoping for a miracle. One couple will get the miracle. They'll realize that there is a place where they are aligned and they just need the help to trust each other again, to get vulnerable again. They needed more tools to soften back to each other, to open to each other. And that's where Tantra is so beautiful for couples to do some healing work. It's like they turn towards each other and they get another chance. They get another opportunity to start a whole new season in their partnership. And it's a beautiful, refreshing second chance, third chance, fourth chance, as many chances as you need, if you can remember to be in love.
And then the other couple has an opportunity when they realize, you know what, being closer to my truth now is gonna cause me to go my separate way. But now you have the opportunity to go your separate way with more consciousness and more love. Sometimes we're with a partner to do something specific in our life, a specific healing, a specific goal reaching, a specific child making, you know, we draw in our teacher in the way of partnership.
And oftentimes we're done with that teaching and it's okay to say thank you beloved, and bow and walk in a different direction.
How do you do that without expensive lawyers, without destroying each other and ripping each other's reputation to all your friends and family? There is a way to consciously separate or, you know, the whole conscious uncoupling process. And hopefully Tantra will give you insight into how to be more loving and to part as friends versus enemies.
And I wanna just wrap up that piece around couples when you're hurting and you're looking towards Tantra to get you some support. It'll go in one direction or another, and that's good. It's gonna give you more tools no matter what.
Willow: Absolutely, yeah. I think that the biggest piece here is that it's gonna get you closer to your truth.
So if your truth is to continue to journey with that person that you're having struggles with. Or if your truth is to go out and spread your wings and find out who you are without that person, you are gonna have a closer relationship, a more intimate relationship with what's actually real for you. What's actually true for you. And so practicing this on your own, having that white Tantra practice, as Leah said, it's like you've gotta have that in place, regardless of if you're in a relationship or not. That's why we say it's so valuable. If you're single and you're thinking, gosh, it sounds interesting, this whole Tantra thing.
I don't know though. Does that mean you're gonna be having multiple lovers and just turning into a polyamorous person? Like, what does it really mean? Is it a philosophy? Like what is Tantra? You know, it's really whatever you create it to be. It's you coming into a direct, more close relationship with your truth.
The potential for singles to have better future relationships
Leah: Yeah. When I think about the potential for a single individual to deepen and self realize who they get to be as a spiritual being, as a sexual being, as a partner in a future relationship, there is no richer soil to plant yourself in.
And the white Tantra practice has lots of different elements. So, whether you are partnered or not partnered, some of the foundational pieces are learning breath control.
[00:20:20] Why in the world would breath control matter to, uh, sex or relationships?
Willow: Oh, it matters.
Leah: Oh, it matters, honey. We're not gonna go into all those fine details right now, but when you cultivate breath control, you are actually expanding how you run current in your body. And when your current is able to expand, then you can transmit a current of energy through touch, eye gaze, words, certainly breathing and you convey an emotional message, right?
May you feel loved. May you feel beautiful. May you feel desirable. All of these things can operate with the breath. Your breath facilitates the transmission of current and beautiful, positive, emotional energy into the world. And that is a massive gift that you can give humanity, whether it's the lady at the checkout, or to your new beloved, or to your own body. It's a really critical skill set. Not to mention the best part, that I think a lot of people would report, the orgasms go off the chart.
Willow: They get higher, and better, and longer, and stronger. And oh my God.
Because you are, again, in relationship with this deep intimate side of yourself, the orgasmic side of yourself. So when you can breathe and expand and open, it's like you've got more... it's not... I don't wanna say control. But it's like, you've actually got more of a bond with that energy.
Leah: Yeah, you're more connected to your body, and your emotions, and your intimate skill set so that you can play high octave music with another being.
So again, this is about creating & mastering your own musical instrument so that you can make music.
[00:22:19] How do yoga and sexuality come together?
Leah: Here's the other piece that really helps you learn about white Tantra is a yoga practice.
How does yoga and sexuality come together? Hatha yoga. Even before hatha yoga, the grandfather to hatha yoga is laya yoga. And before it was just all these asanas and stretching, it was more about, again, connecting to these energy meridians and expanding them, so that your body can safely run more current. Most people know what the warrior poses in yoga, where you are stretching your arms out on either side. And the posture is you're sitting up nice and tall, and you're actually expanding your heart as you bring your shoulder blades back. Just that position alone, if you look at the body language, you're opening your heart, you're bringing your breath into the position. You're slowing it all down. You're focusing your mind.
You're actually practicing living in the world with an open heart. That pose like many other poses in yoga with that meditative mind is training you how to be a lover.
How can you live in the world with a more open heart? How can you live in the world with your adrenal glands settled in? So you're not spiking in distress. All these things contribute to being a better partner.
Willow: Just being a better human being in the world.
Leah: Yeah.
Willow: Thanks for bringing that adrenal piece in because it's been clicking in my mind over here several times throughout our conversation.
You know, not only do you get closer and more intimate with your own truth, but you have more energy because. Raise your hand if you have some kind of adrenal fatigue or adrenal exhaustion? Like, I mean, fuck, everybody does. Because what are we doing? We're stressing constantly, leaking cortisol out of the adrenals constantly. But when you shift over into a Tantric World framework, a frame of mind, it's sort of a long non-linear space.
So, it's not so much about like, gotta get this done and then I'm gonna get this done and go over here... which is stressful. Right? We're always living in that. It's valuable. We can live in it sometimes, but we need to also live in that non-linear world where it's like, oh, let me just be in the dream space.
...Not sleeping, but like, oh yes, this peace is perfect right now. And I'm just gonna wear it, and try it on, and become it, and stand in this new feeling, and this new power. The adrenals love that. Like they just get to soak up what's called oxytocin. This love hormone, this connective bonding hormone.
So you can think about your orgasmic energy as medicine for your body. You can drink that into your adrenal glands. And that's one of the big things that I teach with the toaist sexual practice is really how to do orgasmic upward draws. Like how to bring orgasmic energy first to the adrenal glands, because that's where your sexual energy is stored when we are looking through the lens of Chinese medicine. And then you can also bring it up to the back of the heart, bring it into the thymus gland, and support your immune system. You can bring it up to the throat, Chakras, and support your thyroid. Can bring it all the way up into the pineal, the pituitary, the hypothalamus, all the glands in your body.
That way you have this really magical and phenomenal frame of reference of what's possible for you as you circulate sexual energy through your body.
[00:26:03] Leah's first tantra class experience.
Leah: You know, when I was first journeying into Tantra land, I was a single that was bummed I didn't have a partner to practice with. I was so nervous, like what is gonna happen at this workshop?
Is there gonna be a bunch of slimy people and I'm gonna be totally uncomfortable and forced to take off my clothes? If anyone is gonna tell me to take off my clothes, I am so out of here. But that's me... other people are ready for that experience. So you do you.
But what I discovered instead, was a homecoming. It was so nice to be with other singles and also couples. Because the couples renewed my faith in love. And the other single participants renewed my faith, in my case, in men. Because that's who I connect to romantically and sexually. I felt so jaded at the time. I'd been so hurt by men. My opinion of men was way lower than it is today and I got to renew my faith in the beauty of men and other humans.
Why? Because I got to be in a group of people that were asking the same kind of questions I had. And up until that point, I felt kind of lonely and isolated.
I often would want, really deeply want more deep conversations about sex. I wanted to swim in the deep end is what it comes down to. And I was sick of being in the shallow pool in the kiddie pool.
And here was a chance to be with other humans that also were not afraid, and were deeply curious, and inspired by the idea of the deeper water. And that's what I found. And that's what I would want for other people who are hesitant. This is actually a place that is so connected. Finding a place where you belong, this deeper part of yourself, this sexual part of yourself.
In many cases, we don't share what we would call the "lower Chakras" with many people in our life...
Willow: true.
Leah: ...with our friends and family. Like it's just, most of our relationships do not include all of the Chakras. But in Tantra camp, a hug and embrace includes your whole body. You don't have to separate your parts. And that doesn't mean that you're having sex with other people. It simply means that you're integrated.
And you get to have an integrated experience with new friends. And some of them may be new Tantra buddies that you get to do the practices with so that you're preparing yourself to meet the beloved.
It's a way to do your work so that the beloved in time and space goes "okay, they're ready for me to come in".
[00:29:08] Attracting your beloved.
Willow: And that's when you magnetize and attract somebody that you truly wanna spend the rest of your life with. If that's what you're going for, if that's what you're looking for, because then you're vibrating at a higher frequency. You're vibrating at a resonance that is gonna attract somebody that you truly wanna be with. When you're attracting someone from a place of fear or doubt, or I better get someone fast, I'm starting to lose my eggs or I better find someone fast, I'm getting into my sixties. You know, that's coming from a fear base. And so when you drop into this sovereign practice, white tantra practice, you are really becoming more whole, wholing yourself, becoming more whole, and then attracting from that place.
[00:29:55] Willow's first tantra experience.
Willow: I was the opposite of Leah. I went to my first weekend seminar with Leah and her co-teacher Charles.
And I was with a partner and I was like, oh, I just don't know if this is gonna work. How much longer are we gonna hang in there together? And I mean, the whole practice was so profound. I had to drag him. Right. It was like, come on, you're coming with me.
Leah: Always one person being dragged. That's true.
Willow: Usually it's the man, but not always, not always.
But it was so beautiful, you know, after that experience, he was like, oh, okay, I get it. Oh yeah, this is great. Oh yeah, I see it. You know, and it really opened up a whole new chapter of our relationship. It was, you know, really an eye-opening experience for us to look at our own shadows and have a safe space, a safe container where we could look at each other's as well and be vulnerable about really what our shadows were.
Because I think so often in partnership we are, again, acting out of fear and saying, well, don't wanna show you this part of myself. I don't wanna tell you about this thing, because I'm afraid you're not gonna wanna be with me if that's true.
The truth is if they don't wanna be with you because of what's true for you, then you should know that. You're gonna wanna figure that out sooner than later, even if sooner than later is 15 years down the line. Because we've got this life, we've got this body, we've got this time, and it's precious. And we want to give it the energy, and the love, and the attention that it requires, then we're gonna get the Chi back from it. And we're gonna feel a lot more, whole, a lot more vital.
[00:31:39] What are Tantra Buddies?
Leah: I mentioned Tantra buddies earlier, a Tantra buddy is someone that you are practicing a piece of red Tantra with. And it's especially powerful when you are doing specific healing work, you know, with each other.
One thing that I always caution singles is when they're finding Tantra buddies to do the work with, especially to get the growth that they most want, you're not doing this with another person to "fix them" so they're good enough to be the beloved. You are coming together as friends to help each other do the next piece of inner work. And it's a huge privilege. And there are all sorts of set up situations that allow for this deep intimacy to occur between you and your Tantra buddy, that doesn't necessarily mean genitals are going inside genitals.
Willow: You don't even have to take your clothes off people to do this practice.
Leah: Totally. I mean the practices are so wide ranging. I want to demystify the idea that you are always taking your clothes off or that there is something so overtly sexual. It can be that, but there's so much more that is a different type of intimacy practice and skill set, and you kinda need to learn all of it.
Willow: Yeah.
Leah: To have the most variety.
Willow: Absolutely. And that's, again, bringing the breath piece back. Like you can literally sit there with your clothes on with somebody and practice red Tantra through breath practice. Like learning how to exchange breath, exchange energy with another soul. Another human is so powerful.
And there's something in Chinese medicine we call spirit, we call it shen. The heart is also called shen. The mind is also called shen. So when you are exchanging breath and connecting your shen with another person's shen you're basically creating this deep sense of congruence inside of yourself. That then becomes a mirror and a reflection for the other person.
So if I'm coming to a Tantra buddy, a Tantra partner, somebody that I practice with, and I'm like, oh, I got this thing I gotta work on it's in my heart. Doesn't feel good. It's totally the shadow. It's causing all kinds of havoc in my life. Then if I know that and I can speak that, then I can bring that to that session. And that could be the focal point of the whole session. It could be all for the healing of my heart. I could walk away from a 45 minute to a three hour practice with somebody where maybe I didn't even take my clothes off and just be completely transformed, completely healed. Way higher vibration and much more whole.
Leah: Yeah, you know when you don't have to separate yourself, and your parts, and your Chakras from having a related experience with another person, you get to see... I mean, if you've ever been to an Insight Meditation local course or event, usually they have them that are weekly in most communities then you know the power of meditating in a group.
Now, imagine you meditating with someone else. In the same field of energy with an intention that's been named. It's pretty cool to watch how sexy just meditation is. And one of the things I love about having some boundaries around practice is because you get to play in the space of feeling desire, but not acting on it.
And most people that are untrained might find suffering in that desire. But when you start to separate your attachment to fulfilling desire, and instead live in the world of desire. You will know how amazing experiencing your desire for desire's sake is, how pleasurable that is. And that it's a gift, it's yours. It's not something you owe to anyone else. It's not something you're trading. It's not something you're bargaining with. It's this state of the human potential to be in pleasure.
[00:36:11] Chi energy and desire.
Willow: And it's where the Chi lives, my friends. It's where all the Chi is in that desire, in that yummy... I want that thing. Like when you want something, whether it's a piece of chocolate cake, or someone's beautiful tongue in your mouth, I don't know... When you want something there's so much drive to go for it. There's so much energy to go toward it. And if you can cultivate and harness that energy and actually bring it to your adrenal glands, bring it to your pineal gland, bring it to your heart chakra, bring it to these different places in your body then you're infusing your own system with this energy, with this really powerful energy.
[00:36:59] What's the difference between the Tao and Tantra?
Leah: This is a beautiful place to talk about the distinction between the Tao and Tantra. What Willow so beautifully just illustrated is that you can take this energy of desire or pleasure, or just positivity. Optimism and you bring that through the various practices. You're gonna bring that to your physical body, to your cells, to your glands. You can become younger with it. It's for your health.
And then the tantra way has you take that same cultivated, positive energy, and you bring it to your creative pursuits, you bring it to how you parent, you bring it to how you go to your job.
When you feel more passionate, you bring it to your depression. You renew your spirit. You allow your emotions to cultivate into something that is more loving and most importantly, more magnetic. So we take that energy and instead of feeling like we have to grab at it or push it into someone else, we use it to draw it up so that our own field is magnetic and juicy and attractive.
This is how you don't have to go chasing the beloved. The beloved will come to you because you've learned how to be more magnetic and that means less needy .
Willow: Yeah. So self cultivation is just a simple phrase for it.
I actually was writing something the other day I was in the hot tub. I was having a dreamy moment. I was all in the tantra space, you know, and I was like, okay, if somebody's depressed, well, they should self cultivate. If somebody's confused, self cultivate. If they're overwhelmed, self cultivate. If they don't have enough money, self cultivate. If they don't have the lover they want, self cultivate. it's the answer to every problem.
[00:38:52] Inner Guidance and the path of Trust
Leah: Yeah. And another word that I would use for self cultivate is getting in touch with inner guidance.
Willow: Yeah.
Leah: You know, how do you know what is right for you? It's a Uhuh or an Ahha. It's that knowing. It's that felt sense. It's being in alignment with yourself. And when you are connected to your alignment and where your personal north star is, that is self cultivation.
Willow: Absolutely.
Leah: That is being able to know, I know what's right for me.
Willow: So there's this discernment that comes in. And so here's a fun, little factoid about discernment. So in Chinese medicine, we've got all these different organ systems, you know, the gallbladders, the wise judge, and they have these archetypes. Right. And the heart is the emperor. And so the one who holds the archetype of discernment, like the one who can separate pure from impure is... any guesses? This is the small intestine. Who would've guessed that?
Leah: I probably would not have guessed that one.
Willow: Who would've guessed that? So the small intestine you think about that organ system in your body, it's like, it's the one who gets the food, gets the nutrients, vitamins, minerals.
Okay. Yes. We're gonna take that. We're gonna absorb it. We're gonna take it to the bloodstream. This stuff? It's just a waste. It's going to the colon. We're gonna send it out.
And so it's separating the pure from the impure. So the small intestine just helps you discern, is this nourishing for me or is this toxic? Do I wanna keep this or do I wanna let this go?
And what's interesting about that is the small intestine, because all the organs are paired, there's a yin and a yang organ for every organ system.
And so the small intestine is paired with the heart. So the small intestine, your gut basically; "follow your gut". "listen to your gut". That's all holds true. Right? Cause it's like, okay, yeah, that person is really nourishing for me. I don't know what it is about them, but I want to be around them. So you get that message from the small intestine and then your heart is like; "oh, okay, yeah, we got that message loud and clear. Let's open our hearts to that person."
They are gonna bring more joy to my life. So it's very fascinating this whole concept of listening to your inner wisdom, listening to your guidance, cultivating that self. Owning that piece of yourself inside so that you can navigate, you're navigating in a whole different way when you're practicing Tantra in this way.
Leah: That's beautiful. That makes so much sense. I love that distinction of discernment. it's such an embodied place to point to. And I love connection, like when we have a mental understanding, but we can know it through the physical piece of it. There is a key to embodiment and embodiment is really crucial to having a beautiful experience on planet earth. We were born with this body. Let's make use of it. And I know it hurts and it aches and it's scary. But if we can do this together, if this can be a source where we can come together from a humanity standpoint and know that we have some place to belong. We're really not meant to do all this stuff alone.
The white tantra practice, yes. There's some things we have to do alone, but there's all this other stuff we must do together.
And it's how we're hardwired. And so when you take a look at... I did actually bring a boyfriend who I was no longer interested in and who was broke to the seminar, but I was not gonna pay his tuition when I went to my first seminar.
So I left him in the hotel room and I took the course, and then I realized, I can't do the homework with him. He wasn't trained. I can't train him. I just learned this stuff and it was such a disappointment, because there were three other guys there that would have completely been wonderful choices to do the practice with. And I broke up with him that weekend.
Willow: Of course you did. Wasn't your truth.
Leah: I was so bummed. I knew even if he was there, I should have still picked a partner and I could have just gone off with them that night and said sorry to the boyfriend. I wasn't in love with anymore. And because I didn't and I had regret, because I knew I needed the healing. I knew I needed the healing so bad.
Willow: Right.
Leah: So, I felt like I missed my chance. And I was watching and hearing the stories from the couples who were having amazing breakthroughs. And then hearing the stories from the singles and they didn't harm each other, and that they were there for each other, and that it was safe. I was so touched that as soon as I got home, I booked the next seminar and I did the homework. Like, that's how impactful it was for me.
And so when we talk about, again, this practice of doing the work with someone, a friend that you can trust to do this self growth work with.
[00:44:15] Friendship is the highest form of relationship
Leah: Number one, friendship is the highest form of relationship. It's not marriage. If your marriage isn't based on friendship, you're not gonna have a great marriage. Period. So friendship is key. And if you have to break up a marriage, hopefully that friendship is gonna get you through it. So, another key.
[00:44:36] Giver and receiver
Leah: But back to being two singles and being friends. One of the key points to learning all of this energetic awareness, all of these new sensations that start to open up to you. All this expansive reality comes from the separation of the giver and the receiver. And that's what I love about the Tantra buddy framework is you are separating the roles on most occasions.
Certainly there are practices that maybe you wouldn't, but in most situations, there is a separation of the giver and the receiver, so that when it is your turn to receive, you can meditate on receiving. You come into the prayer of watching, listening, sensing, feeling your own body, your own nervous system, without any pressure that you have to give back again, trade, or lose sight of these subtleties because you're trying to do the same thing to them at the same time.
Willow: Right.
Leah: And it's what's different about regular sex.
It's just a completely different game.
Leah: And then when you separate the role of giver and receiver, and it's your turn to be the giver, you get to put all of your attention on how to give love. On how to master a technique. Of how to transmit energy. Of how to really be there for someone, not do something for someone, but you're actually being there. Being in the moment. Being the love that you are and trusting and learning that is medicine. It's so powerful.
Willow: It's such a gift.
Leah: The self trust that you cultivate for yourself. The skills that you cultivate in the power of giving are so rich, to know that that's your only job for this practice.
whether you go to a course ever or not, if you just take away this one episode, I hope it's that you start to consider the role of the giver and the role of the receiver. And what sex could turn into if you played in a new playground where you could just concentrate on one or the other.
Willow: Exactly.
[00:46:51] How to practice tantra at home
Willow: So the way that you would set that up on your own at home, you don't need to go... seminars are great, you know, you're gonna have a whole container, a whole bunch of teaching, but if you don't wanna do that, then you can just go do this.
Be like, okay, honey, we're gonna have an intimacy exploration date. Are you ready? Let's get it on the calendar. It's gonna happen on Thursday night. We've got a sitter for the kids. And I'm going to be the receiver, which means for a full 90 minutes you are going to find
Leah: ...or twenty that's all got...
Willow: ...or twenty, yeah. You know, oK, I'm a high achiever. I'm a high achiever. And that's what we learned, right? 90 minutes. But yeah, whatever you got, but for 20 to 90 minutes, they get to find where the chi lives in you.
Where do the pleasure centers live in your body? Is it, you know, at the toes? Is it at the nipples? Is it behind the ears? And your only thing that you're focusing on is receiving that pleasure, receiving that touch, steeping, yourself. Think of yourself as a teabag, and you are just stepping yourself in the tea of pleasure. Becoming a very strong cup of pleasure tea.
Leah: Yeah, or in some cases you get to tap into what is open, what is closed in me?
Willow: Yes, so powerful.
Leah: And sometimes the most valuable journey is actually asking for someone's touch, right where you're the most closed.
And it's not necessarily about going into the pleasure realms. It's going into an unwinding realm, where you have a place to shed those tears, to get rid of that painful husband number one, that's always done a number on you. You know? You just want 'em out of your vagina. Like, get out, I'm done. You know, there is a place where we can go towards the things that are crunchy, that are contracted.
And when we put our love there, or a friend or a partner puts their love there, it unwinds the contraction of the past and we can free ourselves from those habits, those negative patterns, those heartaches.
Willow: And in order to do that, you have to trust not only the other person, but yourself.
You have to find a place where you can trust yourself enough to go into those places of discomfort so that they can unwind. Trust that the unwinding will go through its process and complete, and you won't get stuck there. And you need to be able to trust your partner, that they can hold space for you in that way. And not everyone has that in their relationship.
Leah: Well, not only that, but many people don't know how to trust and they look outside themselves.
[00:49:46] Are you trustworthy?
Leah: Are you trustworthy? Are you trustworthy? Are you trustworthy? And they will see the proof that no one is trustworthy.
Willow: Oh yeah.
Leah: Yeah, because we are misguided in where to find trust. Trust is a door that opens on your side.
Willow: That's right.
Leah: And we think someone has to prove it to us that they are trustworthy.
And that kind of depends on which vibration's coming into the building. So I realize that this isn't like a hard and fast rule, but for many people, they first have to realize that if they want the next deeper experience, if they wanna break the habits, & the patterns that are stopping love from coming in the door, you gotta start looking at trust from inside of you, not outside of you.
Willow: Yeah.
Leah: And that bridges to the inner guidance and the self cultivation that you were talking about earlier.
Willow: Yeah, discerning. So having that right relationship with what's nourishing for me, and what's toxic for me? And you have to be embodied right. In order to feel those things in order to know.
Leah: And if I can just add something right there, because even if you are walking into another situation and you can see the toxic screen over the image of what you are attracted to. You get better and better at choosing something different. Sometimes it takes a couple more times of learning the lesson again. But what changes, and this is how you know that you're growing and changing is you spend less time in the pattern. And those changes may not happen all at once. They happen in these little gradual steps, but they happen and then one day you're waking up and you realize; I don't even understand how I could have ever been attracted to that.
[00:51:34] Willow: Why was I attracting those unavailable partners for so many years?
Leah: Yeah. And thank God I, I trust others now, you know, thank God I can see the best in men.
If I could give another, just one of my favorite things I've learned as a tantrica; like in my personal life. In my quest to know love at the deepest level possible. It's been to look for the best in somebody. And that's one of the ways to cultivate trust.when we put our attention on the worst or how someone is gonna hurt us or screw us up or disappoint us. What we get to experience from that person is all those things.
When you put your attention on someone's greatness, Typically, they bring you their greatness.
Now, as you get deeper and deeper into the karma of a relationship, more things arise that have to do with the projection of our wounded selves from growing up with mommy and daddy. And that starts to take a little bit of a different turn, but the concept still applies.
See the best in people and you get the best in people. And that'll help you trust.
Willow: Yeah, absolutely.
It's a practice trusting from the inside, trusting yourself. I mean, but when you really start to get that muscle, get strong, and you get good at it, like, you can really trust yourself with almost anyone. because you have this new level of like, well, I know how to navigate this situation. I know how to navigate this person. I can see through to the places where they don't trust themselves. You start to have a different view, your perception shifts, you become magic.
Leah: And for those of us who struggle with the "disease to please". When you start to cultivate that trust, you also trust yourself to not endure something you don't wanna endure. You will get up and leave. You will get up and move. You will have your voice. You will say what needs to be said. You will connect to that feeling of, mmmmm something's not right here.
And you make the change necessary. You are more actionable and you have more integrity for yourself. So you don't find yourself in more danger, just because you become trusting.
Willow: Right, it's the opposite.
Leah: Yeah. Right. But you're not jaded coming into a situation with all this suspicion, how will this stranger who I'm practicing a meditation and eye gazing with, you know, prove to be a bad person or a bad guy or a woman.
Willow: Right. Right. , it's self trust, self cultivation. This whole white Tantra thing we're talking about is a very very valuable. Very worthy, worth your investment, worth your time, worth looking into because it's going to change the trajectory of the rest of your life.
And especially if you find yourself in patterns with relationships or patterns with your sexuality that you can't get out of, this is a very viable, very amazing doorway to get out of those patterns.
Leah: It's really miraculous when you can take even maybe a dysfunctional attraction that's caused harm to you in the past and have a healthy way of being with whatever that desire story is all about too.
We can take something that might have been a negative imprint in our past, but has this allure still, that can get us in trouble sometimes, and put a new framework on it so that it, even though it was rooted in maybe dysfunction, can then be a whole different plant and it doesn't have to be dysfunctional.
And yet it can still be a turn on. That's something we'll cover in another episode, when we talk about Core Erotic Themes. Because the beauty of looking at desire is not shaming desire. And we have a lot of judgements about what's okay to desire and what's not okay to desire. And really the distinction is what to act on what not to act on.
But to be as shame free as possible and to be healthy for yourself and to be healthy for others.
And in that space, there's a really big playground. Because it's more connected to what do you wanna feel as a sexual being versus the pictures and the landscape that's going to cross your mind. Separating the two, so you can have what you wanna feel, despite the judgements that you feel about the pictures that arise around what you think is sexy.
Willow: Absolutely, yeah, the power is within you. You can create whatever you want and your sexual energy is your most valuable, potent, creative energy that you have access to. So start learning how to use it, to create whatever you want in your life.
Leah: So to bring it on home, why is it a mistake to wait until you have a partner before you start learning something like Tantra or these ancient sexual wisdom, mystic teachings?
Willow: Well, everything we just talked about.
Leah: To sum it up...
Willow: To sum it up...
Leah: Why wait?
Willow: Yeah. Why wait? I mean your sexual energy is your own responsibility. It's inside of you, whether you're paying attention to it or not, whether you're cultivating it or not, it's there. So you may as well start to put your finger on the pulse of it and listen to the rhythm of it and listen to the lifeblood of it. And create with it.
Leah: If you're getting the call now to learn something, go learn it. You can't depend on the next lover you find to be interested in this material too.
Willow: Yeah. They might not be.
Leah: So, yeah, then you spend more time on not doing this thing you continue to be called to, so don't wait. Just embrace What is calling your name and saying, learn me.
Willow: Absolutely.
VoiceOver: Thanks for tuning in. If the hosts seem to know what they were talking about. That's because they do Leah Piper is a Tantric sex master coach and a positive psychology facilitator. Dr. Willow brown is both a Chinese and functional medicine doctor and a Taoist sexology.
Don't forget your comments likes subscribes and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.