Stop Blaming Your Partner’s Libido | Susan Taylor: Why the "High vs Low Sex Drive" Myth Is Destroying Your Relationship | #144
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Why Your "Mismatched Libido" Isn't Actually the Problem (And What's Really Killing Your Desire)
Sarah stared at the ceiling, her husband sleeping peacefully beside her. For the third time this week, their attempt at intimacy had ended in awkward silence and hurt feelings. "Maybe we're just not compatible anymore," she whispered to herself, the familiar weight of inadequacy settling in her chest.
If this scenario sounds heartbreakingly familiar, you're not alone—and more importantly, you're not broken.
What if we told you that everything you've been told about "mismatched libidos" is not only wrong but actually making your relationship problems worse?
In this episode of the Sex Reimagined Podcast, renowned somatic sex therapist Susan Morgan Taylor shatters the biggest myth in modern relationships and reveals what's really happening when couples feel sexually disconnected.
The Shocking Truth About a "Perfect" Couple
Susan shares the story of a couple who seemed to have it all together—until they didn't. Every time they tried to be intimate, it ended in what Susan calls a "train wreck." He would initiate, she would tense up, he would get frustrated, and they'd both retreat to their separate corners, feeling more disconnected than before.
The twist that changes everything? After months of avoiding intimacy altogether, they discovered they were both forcing themselves through an experience neither of them actually wanted. He was performing oral sex because he thought that's what good lovers do. She was pretending to enjoy it because she believed she should love it. Both were miserable, but neither spoke up because they assumed something was wrong with them.
The moment they realized neither of them wanted it? Everything shifted.
Why the "High vs. Low Libido" Label is Damaging Your Relationship
"There's the myth of the high desire, low desire," Susan explains. "We hear that all the time—the stereotypical role where women are often cornered into this place of being the low libido partner while the man is the high libido partner."
But here's what Susan discovered in her years of practice: This framing is not only inaccurate—it's actively harmful.
Instead of focusing on who wants more or less, Susan identifies three real root causes of desire discrepancy:
- Lack of connection to direct pleasure pathways
- Confusion about "who this moment is for"
- Missing shared language and communication frameworks
The Revolutionary "Three N's" Method That's Saving Relationships
Susan's breakthrough approach centers on what she calls the "Three N's":
- NOTICE: Tuning into your body's actual signals. "Can you just notice what do you feel? What sensations are currently available to you as you scan your awareness through your body?" Susan asks. This isn't about manufacturing desire—it's about discovering what's already there when you actually pay attention.
- NAME: The art of authentic expression. Many couples get stuck here. "Maybe I don't know because I've been so obsessed with making sure my partner's happy that I have no idea what I want or what I like," Susan explains.
- NEGOTIATE: Communication that creates connection. "Negotiating is really just the art and skill of being able to bring that into the relational space," Susan says. "This is where the overcoming of differences in sexual desire really comes down to this ability to have the necessary skills."
The Game-Changing Question That Transforms Intimacy
Susan introduces one question that changes everything: Who is this moment for?
"Are you doing it because it feels good for you and you love it, or are you doing it because it's something your partner desires and they've expressed how much they love it?"
This simple inquiry prevents the majority of intimate miscommunications before they start.
Expression vs. Request: The Distinction That Could Save Your Relationship
"An expression of a desire is not a request," Susan states. "If I say, 'I want to f*ck you tonight,' that's me just expressing my desire. It does not mean that my partner has to consent to that."
This distinction gives couples permission to share their authentic desires without creating pressure or obligation.
From "No" to "Yes": The Question That Changes Everything
When couples hit that wall of "I'm not in the mood," Susan offers a powerful alternative: "What would I need right now so that I could..."
This transforms the conversation from rejection to possibility. Maybe you need a hot bath, help with the dishes, or just to hear "I love you." The point is creating space for authentic desire to emerge.
Why Somatic Approaches Work When Talk Therapy Fails
As a somatic sex therapist, Susan explains why body-based approaches are so effective: "Sex is almost always a physical act, so why would we not use the body as a resource for better understanding our clients' experiences?"
Somatic therapy recognizes that trauma and disconnection live in the body, not just the mind. By addressing both simultaneously, couples can experience breakthrough moments that pure talk therapy might miss.
The Permission You've Been Waiting For
Perhaps the most liberating message from Susan's work is this: There's nothing wrong with you.
"Every person has a different relationship with sexual desire and there is no objectively correct level," Susan reminds us. "The vast majority of couples will have some discrepancy in their libidos, especially long-term couples past the 'honeymoon stage.'"
The Bottom Line
Your relationship isn't broken. Your desire isn't wrong. You're not sexually incompatible. You're simply missing the communication skills and awareness practices that create the safety and clarity necessary for authentic intimacy to flourish.
This conversation could be the turning point your relationship has been waiting for. Don't let another day go by feeling disconnected from the person you love most.
Ready to discover what's really possible in your relationship?
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